A Tribute to My Ex Husband

I don't regret my decision to divorce my now ex husband even though I wish our marriage had worked. But sometimes there is pain we can't overcome or it's not in our best interest to remain in a particular relationship. That was sadly the case for my marriage but I remain grateful for him. Too often we focus on our heartache and pain, forgetting what was good and what remains positive in spite of it all. Today I want to give credit where credit is due.


He is a kind man with an astounding heart. He is always there for a friend or family member in need. He works hard and cares about those around him. He was everything I was looking for in a partner. He did his best to always give me what I wanted or needed in our relationship. He listened to me and supported me, he provided me care when I was ill.

My ex husband and I are not friends, per say. I don't know what we are exactly. But I do know that if I need him, he's always there for me - from our 1st date to years after our divorce. We made a promise to each other when we separated that we would remain there for one another and he has kept his promise thus far.



Us with Zia and Ruhle

When we were together, we adopted two dogs - Ruhle and Zia. We loved them both dearly and they were extremely attached to both of us. When we separated, I took the dogs with me. I think he realized how much I needed them or maybe he's just that kind of a person. A couple months ago, our 1st dog to adopt together, Ruhle, suddenly passed away while staying with my ex husband while I was on vacation. He took care of everything for me with Ruhle's passing and we mourned together. Since then, I've adopted another dog to keep Zia company. They unexpectedly escaped my yard recently and I called my ex husband to let him know. I didn't expect him to do anything but I wanted him to particularly know about Zia missing. He was willing to drop everything at work and come help me find the dogs. Thankfully, they came home eventually.

He does more than just help me with the dogs too. If I need help with a home project, he will take care of it for me if I ask him. He works long hours but if I need him, he's there - whatever it may be, even if I just need to talk. He's always been like that.

I always say it's a shame what happened to our marriage. He was loyal and loved me deeply. He gave me everything I wanted and he was everything I wanted in a life partner. We were a perfect match. Like any couple, we both did things to hurt each other that we regret but we loved each other with all our hearts. Unfortunately, he made some life decisions that broke my trust and I couldn't recover from it. But I will always give him credit for all the good that he embodies. I have forgiven him and am not bitter toward him. He remains near perfect in my eyes. He is a good person and in spite of our divorce, I can't imagine my life without him in it in one way or another. We may never be friends again but we'll always be there for one another.

I Still Grieve My Marriage Years Later

Today is my wedding anniversary. It would mark 8 years of marriage and 10 years together. As I look back over the memories that my wedding anniversary brings forth I remember that within a month of dating, I knew I was going to marry him. I had found my perfect match to create a life with full of our hopes and dreams. I had finally found the one for me.

Our wedding was perfect for us. We had a Blues Brothers themed wedding that was fun and light hearted. We had details of the movies interwoven into our wedding from handcuffs, converse shoes for the ring bearer, black suits and sunglasses for the men, and dancing down the aisle to Blues Brothers music by every member of the wedding party. I made my dress from my grandmother's wedding dress and my jewelry from that of my great aunt's. There was a lot of thought put into our wedding ceremony and reminiscing on my wedding day still brings me joy as I cherish all the memories of the details of that day.

I made the decision to end my marriage over 3 years ago now. It was a difficult decision to make but I fully accept my decision and I have no regrets regarding that decision. Even though I am no longer in love with my ex husband, I still find myself grieving my marriage in spite of my acceptance.

I was shaken and heartbroken when I awoke from a recent nightmare. I dreamt my ex husband and I were engaged and we lived in a busy, small town. The town was devastated by a plane crash and my ex husband died from smoke inhalation from the fire that was started in the town by the crash. My life had been torn apart before we were even wed.

I realize this dream was symbolic of the loss of marriage I experienced with my now ex husband. I can't escape the loss even in my sleep. I find myself wishing circumstances had been different to prevent our divorce. We made a great couple, we were great together until actions caused trust to be betrayed. I was unable to re-establish trust in our relationship, it no longer was a partnership, and I didn't want to live like that with another person. I didn't want to live with the risk of liabilities placed upon me by others. But I still wish things had turned out differently.

With the loss of my marriage also came the loss of goals, dreams, and a lifetime together. Events without my partner remain emotionally difficult. For example, vacations that would have been taken with him are now taken with different people or by myself. This year will be the first cruise I've ever taken without my ex husband. Traveling to new places has been emotionally difficult without him. I relied on him to navigate and drive us where we needed to go when visiting new places.

My parents recently celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. As happy for them as I am, such celebrations remind me of what was lost within my own marriage. Not only were dreams lost but the future was lost as well. Now I create my own future without him, without a partner. I still long for a future spent with a lifetime partner, even though it will be with someone different. I was fortunate to find someone I wanted to spend my life with once but will I be so fortunate again? I don't know the answer to that. I hope I will be but not everyone finds someone to spend their lives with and so it may be the case for me. Only the future will tell.

In the meantime, I continue to work on my own personal growth and acceptance of how my life is now post divorce and the countless possibilities that the future may hold. I cherish the interpersonal relationships I have with others even if those are not romantic relationships. I hold tight the good memories of my wedding and that of my ex husband as I look to the future and what it may hold for me.

Coping with Life Altering Breakups

The 27th will be the third anniversary of my divorce. I view this day as my independence day - the day I regained my freedom as an independent woman free from the confines of being legally tied to another person and the damage that legality can cause to a person when all is betrayed or jeopardized.

Although I still celebrate this freedom day, this year it comes with some heartache. Perhaps this is due to the ending of my last relationship almost six months ago. It was the first relationship since my divorce where I allowed myself to deeply love again and for a while I thought this relationship would be a forever relationship. Like my dreams and hopes pinned on my marriage were dashed, so it would be with this relationship as well.

Just like with the ending of any deep relationship, there are bouts of sadness and pain that creep in afterwards when you think you've fully healed. And so it is as my anniversary approaches. I am reminded of the life I once had and the life I have now. I had a good life then and I still do now - they're just different and honestly, in the long run it is a far better life now.

In my marriage, we were building a life together. We were planning to build our dream home on a farm I bought in the country and for years planned on surrogacy for a child of our own. He was trying to make his own side business work of his own passions and interests. We lived as partners and we had a great relationship and marriage - until we didn't anymore. I remember the day that my life began to fall apart, only I didn't truly realize it yet. My love for my husband and my optimism in us kept me in denial of the true level of pain that had been inflicted upon me and our relationship. In the end, the pain was too much and I couldn't get past it. Eventually, I realized that the level of security I require for my own well-being could only be obtained and protected on my own - outside of any marriage or legalities that would tie me to another person and their choices.

My life changed - there was no more plans for a deeply desired baby, I moved back home to my parents and eventually sold the farm. I didn't know what I would do or where I would live permanently. My mind frantically raced between all the possibilities. One moment I was going to permanently stay with my parents and provide for them as they age or I would build my own house on their acreage so that I would be near but separate. Or maybe I would go ahead and build a house on my farm or just move into my new boyfriend's house. The options were endless and I found myself able to advocate for every possibility. But in reality, I was still grieving. My life was different and there were too many options available. I didn't know what I wanted my life to become.

The times following our separation and divorce were truly freeing.
The weight of all the pain and

stress had been lifted from me and I had the whole world ahead of me full of adventures awaiting me. Sometimes I still am gifted the surreal feeling of my present life with all the freedom of opportunities that singledom provides - the never ending possibilities that lie ahead for me with no one else to answer to or interfere with my decisions or life. The world is open to me and I can choose any path I so wish. This surreal feeling has waned over the years but it refreshes itself periodically and I am left amazed at my life. I left a marriage that had unexpectedly turned harmful to my future security and I managed to pick myself up (albeit with the support of my parents and friends) and now I own my own home. I never would have suspected owning your own home could provide such joyous, prideful feelings within oneself. At times it is hard to believe I am where I am in life - that surreal feeling that I made it on my own.

My last relationship lasted a year, longer than it should have for my own mental well-being. We lived together and it was nice to share a life with someone beyond just the weekly date. It wasn't a partnership like I wanted but it was the closest I had come since my marriage and we shared a deep love for a while. After our break up, I had to become accustomed to being on my own again in my home. This allowed me to reacquaint myself with my home and that surreal feeling of it all being mine and mine alone. That surreal freedom I had lost while in this relationship.

I've rediscovered my freedom and the wonderfulness of my present life since then. Sure, I hope to find a partner to spend my life with someday. It would be nice but so is the freedom of independence. And so for now, I will savor this freedom and cherish the surreal feeling of my accomplishments and the adventures that await me.

What I Learned From Divorce

When I divorced, I never could have been prepared for what to expect. No one tells you what you should expect, there is no handbook. Your world is turned upside down and you feel like your life is out of control. You simply live in trial and error and commiserate with other divorcees who can relate to your experiences. There is so much you learn during this period that can last for years even. The navigating, the learning may never cease. I'm only two years post divorce and although my married days feel like a lifetime ago, they remain with me although diminished in intensity.

From the initial moment I made the final and clear decision to end my marriage I began to experience an exhilarating time; I was filled with emotions of relief that were freeing to my mind and soul. I no longer had to hold on to the stress and worry that had accompanied me for the months previously while I battled depression and the stress of trying to hold on to everything while maintaining my sanity. With all this freedom, my energy levels soared as I was no longer burdened by immense stress. I started exercising, I could hardly sleep due to my abundance of energy and my excitement for the possibilities of the future. I felt limitless and carefree, unburdened by my final decision.

I began to re-enter the dating world shortly after, as is a common occurrence. Looking back, I realize now that a divorced individual is a mess for at least a year following the divorce and for that person's own sanity and sake, really shouldn't enter into relationships during this time. Refraining from re-entering the dating world for a year would be a very difficult commitment for most individuals. As humans, we long for companionship and intimacy with others. We tend to enjoy the thrill of finding potential new partners and participating in the dating realm. We feel desired by others giving us attention after an ordeal such as a divorce. The options for potential partners is an exciting new world that is reopened to us. It's a thrill that is hard to deny. The first year particularly is for a time of healing and rediscovering one's self. I had an intense amount of energy and drive for my limitless future but my mind was so scattered and pulled apart by all the options that now laid available to me. My mind raced between options and even though I set goals and plans for myself, I didn't stay with a plan for long before racing to another idea and option. It must have been exhausting for anyone listening to my rambling ideas and trying to keep up with my racing mind. Just as I wasn't ready to commit to another relationship, I wasn't ready to commit to even a singular life plan.

I was not ready for an emotionally invested relationship. I began to become terrified of relationships and kept a cold, emotional distance between myself and others. I've never had a great record of dating and I figured this time around wouldn't be any different; only this time I wouldn't marry again. I would forever be entering and exiting dating relationships. I vowed to myself that I would never allow myself to become lost to another, I would maintain my physical, financial, and emotional independence from another. Relationships became an "easy come, easy go" mentality for me as I kept distance between myself and a partner. I began to view relationships as impermanent. I survived what I thought I wouldn't - losing the person I considered my soulmate and life partner. If I could survive that and be happy again, then the same is true for any future relationship; I will survive any relationship ending. I wouldn't allow myself to become overly emotionally invested and as a result, a failed relationship was merely an inconvenience that could soon be replaced by another potential suitor. I spent a year dating men younger than myself and I learned to appreciate men who were closer to my own age. Not only was I not emotionally available but I also didn't want to deal with immaturity or drama. I had experienced enough drama with my own divorce, I didn't need or want additional drama brought into my life by another individual. I wanted simplicity and partners who themselves were an emotionally strong individual. I was tired of being the emotionally strong person all the time. I wanted someone who could stand their own. Although I have allowed myself to find a deep love again with the intent for building a lifetime together, I maintain a conscious eye on my independence. I've learned that with the right person, I don't have to keep a cold, emotional distance between ourselves as a means to protect myself. I can let another into my heart and remain independent and maintain a healthy self. Becoming cold and distant does not make a healthy relationship and now that I've re-opened myself to a deep and loving relationship, I am much happier than I was in previous relationships. In spite of finding a deep love, for good or bad, without any effort I maintain the view of relationships being impermanent.

While navigating the divorced world, I realized that all my new moments are tainted by past memories and experiences during my marriage. This has lessened with time, but there are stinging moments that cross my heart as I remember a time with my now former spouse or when I am embarking upon a new adventure that would have been with my former spouse if divorce had not occurred. It was quite painful as such events would trigger a flood of memories and grief over what was and what was supposed to be. I had a difficult time coping with vacationing and buying a home on my own rather than with my former spouse. I felt as though everywhere I turned, there was a tainted moment that should have been experienced with my former spouse but now was my sole experience. The sting has diminished in intensity and length, but it remains even though fleeting as it is.

My life changed drastically upon my decision to divorce. I gave up a lot but gained a lot in the end. Divorce was not an easy decision; working my way to that final decision was soul wrenching and I spiraled in a well of anger and depression. It was not an easy transition to make, the transformation of myself couldn't be rushed. But as my heart and mind began to heal though from the aftermath, I've come to love my life and everyday I am grateful for this new, even surreal life.

The upheaval of divorce varies from person to person and situation to situation. This may be
exacerbated any time divorce is contested or involves minor children or property. The entanglement of finances alone can cause extreme stress and friction.

Even when you do your best to maintain independent finances and property from your spouse, I learned that there is always entanglement. If your spouse has financial difficulties, it can be linked to you even when you didn't share finances or property. With this ongoing entanglement due to a previous legal connection to an individual, I realized I wished I had changed my phone number after the finalization of divorce. Years later and I still receive random phone calls connected to my former spouse.

Fortunately my divorce was civil; we even said we would always be there for one another if the other needed. Perhaps this was naivety and wishful thinking in the freshness of our separation. We still have one another's phone numbers and whenever I have questions about anything, he's always willing to provide answers. But would I be able to truly count on him if I needed something? I'm not so sure of that now with the passing of time. Perhaps but perhaps not. With all our civility and promises to one another, I was shocked when I suddenly discovered he had removed and blocked me from his social media platforms. I should have expected it. We weren't what anyone would consider friends anymore. But it was still a shocking realization for me. With one less person in my support system, I had to accept that I may need to lean on my existing support system more heavily due to my health but I also needed to be more independent myself. Our mutual friends now became his and mine; I no longer had his family and friends to call on.

Divorcing was a heart wrenching decision but ultimately it was the best decision for me. It would have been nice for things to have turned out differently, but they didn't. For myself, I must let go of any regrets and instead find my peace and enjoyment in everyday life wherever and whenever I can as I navigate the divorced world.


Other divorcees shared with me what they wish they had known to expect or what they had learned from divorce. See what others had to say:

• When dealing with property there is the risk of both individual's credit being ruined.
• Splitting up pets can be emotionally wrenching. - Wendy
• You may end up taking care of the children all by yourself - Joe
• You learn who your true friends are and there may not be as many as you thought there were - Tricia
•  Sometime it's worth asking "is it more important to be happy or to be right?" when considering remaining in a marriage - Amanda
• Men and women react differently. Where one may act devastated the other may act in the complete opposite. For example "I was devestated and upset, he behaved in a very matter of fact way, was switched off from me completely and had metaphorically closed the door on me and our relationship. It was as if I suddenly had no part in his life or in his relationshp with the children". - Lynley, Top Lady Talks
• You lose friends, other women may look at you as a treat to them even though you did nothing wrong in the relationship, and it took bravery to walk away - Bree
• "I lost a lot of things but my mantra was 'I have my freedom'!" - Aileen
• "It's the kids that matter the most, to make sure they are treated right and always told that they're loved." - Amanda

What are some lessons you wish you had known prior to divorce?

Tainted Moments

It's been six months since my divorce was finalized and 10 months since I separated from my now ex-husband. Life has become easier in those 10 months as I learned to accept my marriage had ended. I felt ahead of the game as I had been given the opportunity to start the grieving process months before I made the decision to divorce. I realize there is no going back, nothing to fix what transpired, there is only moving forward. There are moments, days, even months of unceasing happiness where I'm dulled into thinking I've fully moved past my marriage and divorce. But these are only passing moments of falsehood that are ripped to shreds with backslides of emotional torture and backlashes of the destruction to my life that have occurred.

Divorce is a horrendously emotionally destructive force that tears apart the psyche and the heart. Albeit necessary and unavoidable at times. It has an inescapable far reaching grasp on life after divorce. Day by day I learn to live without the one person I considered to be my true soulmate and countless other adjectives to express how much this person meant to a cautious heart that didn't expect or believe it would find or receive what was given in the span of nearly 7 highly fulfilled, unconditionally loving years. And in spite of my daily learning and adjustment, I've come to expect that the milestones of my new life are haunted by my marriage and divorce.

This wasn't an easy expectation to accept. I was blindsided after my divorce time and time again. I experienced long stretches of excellent coping with how my life was unexpectedly altered. I was happy, free of heartache, and enjoying life only to be emotionally slammed when I would accomplish a life milestone by the haunting remnants of my marriage. With each milestone or accomplishment, I'm reminded that I was supposed to be experiencing these moments with my husband not on my own or with another person. And the grieving of my marriage is renewed each time. Grieving that is soul breaking.

Divorce doesn't come in a neatly wrapped package with a guide of what to expect. I've learned one can never truly be prepared for how divorce affects the heart and life afterwards. I will be coping perfectly fine one day and my peaceful existence will be ravaged by the heartache of divorce without any warning.

Presently, I'm in the process of buying a house and as the closing date nears the worst my grieving becomes. It started the day after my bid was accepted by the seller. A couple days later my divorce's death hold loosened. Now, a little over a week away from my closing date and the death hold is tightening again. This is an exciting milestone with great promise for my future. And yet it is tainted by my marriage.

Somehow, I must force myself through the renewed grieving process and continue to forge ahead on the new paths my life holds for me as a divorced person. Otherwise, I will never be able to enjoy the wondrous milestones my future holds for me. I'm still learning how to break free of the death holds my divorce periodically has upon me. I'm told by other far more experienced divorcees that I will experience such grieving periods for 3-5 years as my heart heals and over time life becomes easier.

In the meantime, I must keep sharing my pain with loved ones who will listen to me. I take refuge in the understanding arms of other divorcees who are able to relate to my experiences unlike others who haven't experienced divorce. I restarted therapy. And beyond these steps, I'm not sure what else to do at this point. But I'm taking steps to help my heart heal and enjoy my life's milestones, tainted as they are.

When You're Alone

I never truly allowed myself to believe I'd marry. I didn't think I'd find someone who would and could love me as much as I needed with my chronic health issues. I would require caregiving on a frequent basis and likely at some point, I'll require it on a much more regular basis. That is a lot to request from another person, especially from the very beginning of a relationship and a marriage. Could I find someone who would be willing to take on this responsibility from the get go? I did and I thought my life was complete...or so I thought.

From a set of unfortunate circumstances and events, I lost my trust and the life I knew had changed and I couldn't change it back. My complete life was being torn apart and divorce was on the horizon. I have a new life to fulfill on my own now.

Facing a life alone with chronic illness and the possibility for a cancer diagnosis again in my future was a terrifying choice but it was a choice I had to make. I felt completely alone in the world. Questions raced through my mind, filling my heart with fear and anxiety.

What would I do if my health worsens? What would I do if I developed cancer again? What would I do if I couldn't work anymore and support myself? What would I do? What would happen to all my dreams? Can I do it all alone? 

 Making that choice was the hardest part.

Once I made the choice, as difficult as it was, a relief began to set over me. A relief that would grow the more I shared my concerns with my friends and family. A concern that was fettered away by more and more people. My primary support system offered reassurance and oaths to never leave me alone in this world. I would be taken care of when the time came. In addition, I will be purchasing long term care insurance to ensure the financial burden of caregiving is provided for without need from others. I'm doing everything I can to ensure my own well being is cared for - by myself or by caregivers.

I'm learning more than I ever expected during this process. It never ceases to amaze me how much we can never truly prepare ourselves for all that we will encounter in life though we try.

I'm learning to value and fiercely protect my independence. To stand on my own two feet and create the life I want for myself is the greatest accomplishment I'll achieve and I am excited to create a masterpiece. To lose my independence is now my greatest fear. I will fight tooth and nail to maintain and support myself and will gladly do so. My eyes have been opened to the joy that is self sufficiency and the fulfillment that accompanies it. I'm finding that independence is much more than financial independence - it is the emotional and mental survival in the face of destructive forces.

I'm learning to cherish my support system more than ever. I'm gradually becoming accustomed to turning to the people in my support system when I need a shoulder to lean on. I'm discovering that independence isn't not leaning on anyone ever but discerning between periods when I can handle an emotionally tough time on my own and an overwhelming period when I need my support system's aid. I'm letting my people be there for me and am gratefully returning the favor.

No matter what is yet to come, I'm looking forward to tackling each issue with a new set of skills that I continue to hone. And I've realized, we're not alone after all - not as long as we let others in.