Why I'm Grateful I Didn't Become a Mother

For the majority of my life I planned on having a child and I was going to do what was necessary to have a child and end the cycle of Familial Adenomatous Polyposis (FAP) in my family with me so that I wouldn't pass it on to my child. I had a surrogate ready and willing and we were saving for the IVF that would be necessary as well as the egg selection to prohibit utilizing my eggs that had the FAP gene. However, I never felt quite ready to take the plunge and start the IVF process. The timing seemed off but the longer I procrastinated, the older I, my husband and my surrogate became nearing the age that pregnancy may not be recommended. I also was heavily concerned with the risk of pregnancy complications to my surrogate and if necessary, how the restrictive abortion laws of our state would affect her if she required to terminate the pregnancy in order to protect her health and life. I couldn't bear the thought of being the cause of harm or death to her when she was doing me a favor by agreeing to be my surrogate. After a lot of deliberation, I came to the conclusion that it would be better that we forego attempting to have a child and so I said goodbye to that dream. It was a heart wrenching decision that took a long time to fully process and accept. It was a difficult decision but I knew in my heart, it was the right decision for me.

And then a year later, my life changed and I was divorced. I not only was grieving the loss of my marriage but I was also re-grieving the loss of my dream to have a child. Even though I had decided to forego becoming a mother, with the divorce I was forced to fully let go of that dream unless something once again drastically changed in my life. If I were to become a mother, I would either have to make the conscious decision to attempt IVF with a donor or another life partner, adopt a child, or become attached to a life partner who already had a child.

In spite of all my dreams to become a mother, I am grateful that I am not a mother though. Deciding to become a single mother would not be an easy task and not one that I could easily financially afford either.  It would be a difficult life on my own as a single mother, financially and physically, and I still would face the struggles of living with chronic illness and caring for a child as before but now I would be on my own doing so. Finding a life partner with a child already is a real possibility as it is hard to find someone around my age who doesn't have a child or children.

I've also become accustomed to my life as it is and as much as I previously wanted a child, I don't feel as though I'm missing out. I'm still able to enjoy the company of the children who are in my life and I'm able to do so without the stress and financial burden of raising a child. It is a well working system actually. I'm able to engage these children in fun and exciting activities when I'm able to do so and if I'm sick that day, I simply need to tell their parents so. I've also been blessed with these children being understanding and supportive when I am feeling ill.

The decision to not have a child is not necessarily an easy decision and it takes time to process. It was a long road to travel but ultimately I am content with my decisions and where my life is now. It has been helpful in my acceptance to acknowledge the realities of the struggles I would be presented with in my situation as well as the good things that make up my life. I've discovered it is possible to live happily childless even though that was not my initial plan. I have made peace with my life decisions and it has helped me to appreciate my life just how it is.

Bye Bye Baby

The finality of spoken words are the hardest to push past our lips, to break our silence. Once spoken, the glass is shattered leaving us only with the reality that we are now forced to accept. In our silence we may delay the inevitable until our psyche is more prepared.
In Alone Together and Supportive Lengths, I spoke about a heart wrenching struggle that I've been slowly processing and gradually accepting.

I finally have reached a level of acceptance to allow myself to publicly disclose that my husband and I have come to the decision not to attempt to have any children.

This has been an excruciating and devastating decision for me. Through this process I learned that the best choice is not always the choice you want. Those close to me know that I've dreamt about Ending the Family Cycle through IVF with a surrogate and planned for this for over 15 years. I never believed anything different would happen. I maintained an unrealistic optimistic hope and pure belief that I would have a child in this manner and it would happen. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about it...it was happening. I planned out every detail I possibly could throughout the years. I planned names, nursery themes, educational opportunities, birthday themes, godparents and legal guardians if needed, parenting styles, etc. I've had my heart set on a baby and the joys and struggles of raising a child. And now, I must say goodbye to my baby. My baby, whom I will never get to see on an ultrasound screen, hear a heartbeat, feel kicking my surrogate, or hold in my arms because this baby will never have existed within the womb or in the world. I must say goodbye to it all, to my dreams, my hopes, my plans. The baby items I've slowly collected and saved for the big day when I would welcome home my own baby, I must pass these items on to a living baby, not a dream world baby. I know all the reasons to have a child and the joys that come with a child. I absolutely cherish the times with the children in my life and the memories of children I taught and cared for throughout my educational career.

 We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell

In spite of all the reasons to attempt to have a child, there are a lot of reasons not to as well. After extensive contemplation and discussion, I find the reasons not to outweighing the reasons to in our situation.

1. The primary reason I sought sterilization was to be able to prevent passing FAP on to my child. I survived unimaginable experiences during my childhood and I can't bear the thought of my child going through the same experiences. To have a child is a personal decision and I hold no judgments over anyone's decisions regarding their family planning. This was my family planning decision. I didn't want to attempt having a child unless I could prevent my child from inheriting FAP. As I recently discovered as well is even with the genetic counseling and IVF, there remains a minimal chance that FAP could be inherited. Any chance is too large of a chance for me.
2. Another reason I sought sterilization is that I personally am appalled and terrified by pregnancy and childbirth. I don't know how I came to have this view, but both honestly repulse me. I find pregnancy and childbirth unnatural and a twisted joke from the universe. Cabbage patch kids type development makes much more sense to me. I know this is a very strange view for most people to understand and I don't expect anyone to agree with me. It's just my personal view and this view works fine for me as I am also medically terrified of pregnancy and childbirth. Due to my abdominal surgeries, previous twisted intestine around organs complications, low pain tolerance, and short bowel syndrome I truly believe, without a doubt, that if I were to become pregnant I would actually die or I would be in so much pain and misery that I would wish I would die. I don't want to risk my intestine twisting around organs again or if I required a C-section and risking my intestine to be cut or nicked. I have no intention of endangering myself and risking failure of my straight pull thru.
3. My current health, although stable, still provides for plenty of sick days where I don't feel able to move. How am I to take care of a baby when I have no energy, am running to the restroom constantly, experiencing high pain, or am unable to move very much? It isn't fair to my husband to expect him to take on the majority of caregiving for our child. I know he would but my child would deserve both parents to be involved. And with my health, I never know when the stability will end and my health will decline or when I'll die. I don't want to leave my husband to be a single parent with a young child.
4. My husband now has his own health issues as well with diabetes. Although diabetes is a very manageable disease and we are taking every effort to manage it properly, I still worry about his future health. He is also 10 years old than me. I don't find it fair to my child to have two chronically ill parents and I don't want either one of us to become a single parent with a young child.
5. Financially we have two options at this time. We can either use our finances to attempt to have a child; an attempt that may not work and still result in the loss of our finances. Or we can use our finances to start our life goals. We want to move to our land, build a small farm and small business. We can advance and complete these life goals at a much faster rate without first spending our finances on the attempt to have a child. With my husband being 10 years older than me, we are both ready to advance our life goals.

I began this disclosure a few months ago and since then, my husband was unexpectedly hospitalized with diabetes and my energy has been focused on his health and navigating through the terrain of diabetes, settling hospital expenses, and arranging care. I'm not sure if I've come to a full acceptance yet or I've been too consumed with other crises. A flooding of peace washed over me after a dream I had about having a baby. I dreamt I had one more attempt to try the process for a baby, a last ditch effort my psyche gave me. But even within the dream, reality seeped through and the plan failed. We couldn't accomplish both goals of a baby and our future life goals. I awoke in the morning feeling defeated with the finality of the situation. With all options exhausted, my mind was able to begin to rest and accept that we had made the correct decision for us. I am more at peace now than I was when I first started this post. I haven't been breaking into tears at the mere mention of childlessness or fertility issues. I still feel saddened when I prolong my thoughts about our decision but ultimately I am at peace and no longer debating the issue.

To help me obtain a sense of closure and to welcome in positivity for our future, my husband and I partook in a smudging ceremony. Traditionally, my Cherokee ancestors went to water for cleansing. However, we didn't have access to water and decided to participate in a smudging in order to regain balance and harmony within my spirit. I invited the talented and heart touching K. Talley Photography to help us capture this moment in our lives so that I may have mementos.

 

We began by lighting a fire and giving our thoughts to the universe. I lit cedar and sage and let the flame quell itself leaving only billows of smoke. With this I cleansed myself with the smoke before proceeding to cleanse my husband. I repeated this with a mixture of sage and sweet grass. The scent of the plants filled the air and swirled about before quickly being swept away by the wind. Once cleansed, we laid the smudging sticks within the fire pit to mingle with the smoke from the previously lit fire. We meditated on our loss and what the future held for just the two of us together. I was overwhelmed with a sense of relief and loss leaving me in a melancholy state.

I clung to the scent of the cedar, sage, and sweet grass for the remainder of the day. With each breath, I felt wrapped in a blanket of comfort from the scents. We treated ourselves to dinner and spent a quiet evening together as my mind reeled around the events of the day. It was coming to a close. I was filled with a hushed anxiety, it will soon be all over and my mind will rest in the finality. This is my last step, to disclose. To shed the façade of maintaining the intent for a child. To bear witness to my soul and our future.

To view the full gallery please visit K Talley Photography

Ending the Family Cycle

At last my GI doctor appointment, my doctor gave me a study to read about colon cancer in families, who is at elevated risk and it also included FAP. It was an interesting read and I urge you to also read it when you get a chance. Preferably after you've finished reading this post ;)

The study reminded me of my own desperate need to stop this familial cycle so that I may be the last one in my family with FAP. In a Medical Angels and Demons, I discussed my gynecologist who performed the Essure sterilization procedure for me so that I may not have to worry about passing on FAP. I respect that this choice is not for everyone. For me it was though. I've seen what FAP is capable of with my grandfather, mother and myself. Others in my family have also been affected by FAP and colon cancer. I've seen the horrors and I don't want to risk that for a child of my own. My mother was diagnosed with FAP and colorectal cancer before I was even 3 months old. At 3 months, I almost lost my mother because of the FAP and cancer. I don't know if my mother would have taken the chance of passing on FAP had she known that she also had FAP and how it would affect her and me. My grandfather had already battled colon cancer prior to this and he would again battle the cancer causing FAP as I neared adulthood. After my diagnosis and surgeries in grade school, I became enraged and depressed. I blamed my mother for all the medical misfortune I experienced. Afterall, she was the one to give me FAP so in my darkened mind, it was her fault. I blamed her and my doctors for years. I was consumed by hate and despair and wanted nothing but revenge. It took me several years to accept what happened to me and to realize that it wasn't my mother's fault. It was a very tough time for her, to watch her child suffer mentally and physically because of the FAP and what it's capabilities.
That 50% chance is too great for me. In my family, the FAP polyps have increased earlier in age with each generation. That isn't to say that it would for my own child, but it's not something I wish to discover. And in the study I referred to earlier, colon cancer is still an elevated risk for first degree relatives even when it was diagnosed over the age of 60! Colon cancer isn't slowing down and I've seen enough of it.

The risk of pregnancy and childbirth for myself is also far too great. In Medical Angels and Demons, I also discussed why pregnancy and childbirth is dangerous for me. Even as a child, I  knew that pregnancy wasn't right for me. Although I didn't fully understand pregnancy and childbirth at that age, I knew it wasn't the right choice for me and it seems as if everything that has happened to me in life has helped to ensure that it would be difficult to even attempt pregnancy. And I'm absolutely fine with that!

But just because I don't want to risk having my own child with FAP doesn't mean that I'm stopping there. Because I would really like to have my own child, just not with FAP. I've researched IVF studies and have come across successful cases of individuals using IVF to only utilize eggs without FAP. Unless something changes, I have a surrogate on the wings who has agreed to undergo IVF with the fertilized egg of myself and my husband so that we may have a chance of a child. Even then it may not work due to the inability to have a guaranteed full term pregnancy and childbirth, but this is a risk I'm willing to take. There isn't any other option in my mind in order to have a biological child without FAP. We've located a fertility clinic that we're hopeful about and after harvesting eggs, we're given 6 attempts at IVF. We'll have one shot at this, and if it still doesn't work then fate has spoken. My husband and I have discussed adoption as an alternative if the IVF is unsuccessful but at this point we don't feel like it's the best choice for us. That may change though and we're open to revisiting adoption.

Right now, IVF is our plan and as hopeful as we are about it's success we know that it may only be hopes. This has been the long time plan of mine and fortunately I married someone who is on board with it. As the time approaches for us to start the IVF process, the further I'm conflicted between hopefulness and fear. I don't want to plan too much or become too hopeful as the spiral downward if those hopes are dashed would be devastating. In an effort to protect myself, at least some, I focus on the improbability of IVF working for us and I try to not think of a future with a child so that if IVF is successful with a pregnancy, then I can enjoy planning for a child's life and future. There are so many things I'd love to experience with a child, so many things I'd like to do for a child. I'd love to plan vacations, educational activities, birthday parties for a child. But until then, if I let myself escape in a bubble of hope in these fantasies, I may just be own worse torturer. And so I wait, we wait, and hope.

Should it not work out as planned, we will accept the decisions we've made and with the help of counseling move forward. It is all too great of a risk for me to allow a child of mine to live with and endure a life of FAP. Again, let me reiterate that this decision is not for everyone and I whole heartedly respect anyone else's decisions regarding their family planning without judgment.