Socializing in a Pandemic

As the year is drawing to an end and the holiday season has begun, it got me thinking about how different socializing is with my loved ones.

The holiday season doesn't hold much significance for me although my family does have its own traditions. For Thanksgiving, my parents and I like to go to my favorite Chinese restaurant for the treat of Dim Sum. Since purchasing my home a few years ago the tradition has been for my dad's family to join us for Christmas at my house during the first week or two of December for a meal cooked by my parents. Then my parents and I like to have a meal just the three of us on actual Christmas day. My parents and I decided to downsize our holiday meals a few years ago and it has greatly reduced holiday stress all around for each of us.

This year is different though thanks to Covid. My parents and I have been having a meal together once every week or two. We all wear masks and socially distance from one another. We don't even hug each other anymore. We were planning to have Indian Tacos together with my boyfriend, Mike, for Thanksgiving. That was until Mike was exposed to someone with Covid so both of our families decided to cancel any get-togethers. We both remain asymptomatic and are awaiting testing. To truly know if you're positive for Covid, it sounds as though daily testing is what's actually needed. According to Harvard Health Publishing, if you test too early or too late, there aren't enough viral particles to detect the virus. This has made it more difficult to determine when Mike should be tested as we are uncertain when exactly he was exposed or when that person started experiencing symptoms. We also didn't want to risk a false negative and then expose anyone in our families to us if one of us is actually positive for Covid.

My dad is the youngest of 8, the oldest being in her late 80s. As he and his siblings are older, we decided not to host a Christmas meal for the family. My parents and I still plan to have a meal together, however, that is subject to change as life is unpredictable during a pandemic.

Being apart from family for the holidays is a small price to pay to help maintain my health and theirs. I greatly miss being able to hug my parents but my priority is keeping them safe. This is particularly true as I am still working in the medical field and am exposed to many more individuals than my parents.

Technology has been a blessing during this year so that I may text, call, and video chat my parents and my nieces. It isn't the same as an in-person visit or hugging a loved one. It remains an option to be grateful for though. One of my patients told me that every Saturday he and his wife video chat with all of their children over dinner. Each week someone chooses a recipe and every household makes the same meal that they then enjoy while video chatting together.

It has been difficult to not be able to see my friends or my nieces as often as I usually would have this year. I did take the risk of spending a day with my best friend and her family during the summer, Mike and I went on a vacation to Colorado, and I had an outing with each of my nieces this Fall. I feel as though it has been particularly hard on my nieces not being able to have our usual outings as I want to keep them and myself healthy. I'm fortunate to have the companionship of Mike to help me cope with the stress and isolation of this year. Since we are our own grouping, I am able to receive all the hugs from him that I'm missing from my parents. Not everyone who is isolating has that blessing. I am grateful that Mike and I started dating prior to the pandemic starting as I would not have felt comfortable being involved in the dating world during these times. 

Our families have been kind to offer to drop off a part of their holiday meals so that we may still partake as we are able without potentially placing them or others at risk. This holiday season looks quite different than years past but hopefully, we'll be able to look forward to many more holiday seasons together if we remain safe and cognizant during this time.

As the progress of a Covid vaccine advances, I'm hopeful that by this time next year the world will be very different from what it is like today. I wish you all the best health - physically and mentally during these times. Reach out to loved ones as safely as possible - not only for your well-being but theirs as well. We all need one another, perhaps more now than ever. 

Balancing Chronic Illness and Socializing

Belongingness is a hierarchical, psychological need and socializing is an important part of that for everyone regardless of health. But that doesn't mean we have to be in a near constant state of socializing with others, does it?

I'm a bit of an introvert myself so I need time to myself to recharge after extensive socialization and on top of that, I don't feel well a lot of the time due to my chronic illness. Additionally, in order to support myself my priority is maintaining full time employment. To do so, this requires my constant attention to my health needs so that I may recover from the last week of work so that I may work the next week. It is an ever-present cycle of care that I must balance and protect for my livelihood.


My work as a social worker involves talking to chronically ill patients all day long 5 days a week. Between providing care to my patients and maintaining my relationships with my co-workers, I'm often exhausted upon my return home and I don't necessarily want to socialize with anyone else. I want to recover from the day. I am emotionally and physically drained by this near daily ritual that is employment. And if I am going to socialize on most days, I prefer messaging versus verbal communication except on rare occasions and of course during in-person interactions. I'm also not one for spontaneous social activities - I like to plan ahead so that I may prepare myself to be able to attend and participate as well as I possibly can. The unpredictable nature of chronic illness does not always allow for activities or socialization even with the best intentioned plans.


Balancing a social life and chronic illness is a common struggle. Too little socialization fosters isolation and depression but too much socialization drains us of our reserves to maintain our physical health. We often pay the following day or days after extending ourselves beyond our physical limits. An occurrence we often push ourselves to do on particularly good health days as we want to leave our homes, our routines, and rejoin the world and our loved ones in activity and socialization. Thus, it is far too easy to isolate ourselves away but then the double edge sword of trying to protect our physical health can also cause damage to our mental health at the same time. Maintaining friendships amidst chronic illness can be quite the challenge as well.


My best relationships with others, platonic or romantic, are those with individuals who not only take an interest in understanding and respecting my daily health struggles but also do not take my at times lack of presence personally. I don't require nor desire constant communication and because of my health, I am not always the most reliable for being able to keep scheduled activities. Even if that activity may be a friend coming to my home while I lie in bed in my pjs, that doesn't mean I will physically feel up to a visit even in the most conducive of situations for my health. Sometimes I feel more comfortable being along than in the presence of others.


Nevertheless, in spite of all the challenges and personal preferences, socialization is important for our well-being. Fortunately, with today's technology it is easier and faster to be able to communicate with others than it has ever been before. In person socialization can't be replaced but we can still develop meaningful, deep friendships with others through the phone and social media. We can receive and give comfort to others through these interactions as well. It may not be the same as the physical touch and care of another but it is not something to be dismissed either. Regardless the format, we must continually strive to balance our social needs and our health needs for the best outcomes for ourselves.

Keeping it Simple

A few years ago I underwent an intensive transformative time as I was separating from the love of my life and in the midst of this heart wrenching, soul destroying period I was also losing others in my life I hadn't expected.


It was at this time that I wrote the following revelations in Let the Fire Burn :

"No longer care what others think of you. When you lose respect for someone, that person's opinion no longer means anything anyway. Don't waste yourself on those who have already lost your respect. Cherish those who are true to you - those who are supportive, loving, caring, and there with you through the brightest and darkest times of your life - not those who try to create dark times, tear you down, harm you with their malicious intent and manipulations, leave you without explanation. Don't let yourself succumb to the power of others, especially when it is a harmful power. You don't have time for that nor should you.

Don't take the dangerous, personal issues of others on as your own. People will attempt and succeed at betraying, manipulating, deceiving, and harming you. The reasons for others to inflict such pain on another is deep seated within them. Stop trying to decipher the reasons behind their actions. Their reasons don't need to make sense. Their reasons are just that, theirs. Not yours. Do not take on more pain simply because another is engaging in harmful behavior towards you."

That year I learned a multitude of lessons, none of which were easy. Not only was I having to cut ties with others of my choosing but I also had others choose to cut their ties with me. I felt abandoned and betrayed by those I held close for so many years, individuals who I had bared my soul to. It had all been in vain. It didn't matter how much I had cherished individuals in my life, nothing could stop what was being set in motion.


And so while in my own depths of depression, I had to learn to let go. Letting go didn't come easy to me but at some point that changed. Instead of holding onto feelings of abandonment and betrayal, I focused on the freedom from drama. My life was chaotic enough as it was, I certainly didn't need added drama. I stepped away and allowed others to do the same and when I accepted that I was able to let go of the stress caused by others.

Nowadays I keep my circle tight. Outside of work, there are few who I deeply engage myself with. It's not anything against others, it's a matter of simplification. With fewer people, there is less stress and mess. Those I remain close to also accept that I may not talk or visit them for long stretches of time. We both know though that the other is just a call away if one of us is needed for anything. We don't take things personally with each other and we don't create drama for the other. These are deep, meaningful yet simple friendships that sustain us. These are the type of friendships I not only want but also need.

It's okay to take a step away from someone or something. Sometimes it is necessary for our mental health. Learning to step away has taught me not to take the actions of others personally even if it was meant to be personal. It no longer matters. What does matter is self care and happiness. These are things that are within our own hands and others cannot take it away from us without our permission. I stopped giving my power over to others and I've never looked back.