Seeking Consults to Obtain a Diagnosis

In the time since my last update in the beginning of November, I continue to have chronic pain since the 2.5 weeks after my 8th surgery to remove my gall bladder and adhesions for the third time. A lot and yet not enough has occurred during this span.

Carafate didn't affect my symptoms. My liver and pancreas enzymes were elevated. My GI started me on Lyrica in December and within a week, I started to notice an improvement to my pain. While I continue to have pain, it is far more tolerable now with the Lyrica. Afterwards, my liver enzymes decreased to the normal range however my pancreas enzyme continued to increase. This triggered a MRCP to be completed which didn't reveal any new findings or issues. With the GI system being cleared, it was recommended to see a neurologist.

This month I saw rheumatology and neurology for consults. Rheumatology completed labs and started me on a trial of Hydrocortisone. While he didn't believe I had any autoimmune diseases, he wanted to try these two things in order to help rule them out as a possibility. He reasoned that while lab work for autoimmune diseases is not as accurate at identifying an autoimmune issue, trying a steroid would further help identify if an issue existed. I agreed to try the Hydrocortisone as I am allergic to Prednisone - experiencing a combination of acidic stool and painful, fragile, rash like skin that creates an awful combination for using the restroom. The Hydrocortisone is more in line with the body's natural cortisol and typically doesn't have side effects. My labs were all normal. I tolerated a low dose of Hydrocortisone without issue although I also didn't notice an improvement to my pain either. Therefore, I was instructed to double my dose. Within a few hours of my first doubled dose, I experienced the same reaction I have to Prednisone and this side effect lasted for over 24 hours before finally resolving for my body to return to its status quo. I didn't try a second dose - doubled or not - after this. With these results, rheumatology released me advising he believes my pain is a nerve and muscle system issue.

Two days later, I was able to have my consult with neurology. He had me complete different physical tests in the office and poked my pain areas with a safety pin to evaluate how pain feels to me in these areas. I'm uncertain what my reactions and performances meant, although he said there were a lot of inconsistencies in my reaction to the safety pin test as the majority of my pain areas felt dull to the pricks. 

While Fibromyalgia was mentioned, it doesn't fit my pain symptoms. Fibromyalgia is explained as having wide spread dull pain. My pain is sharp, stabbing, crushing, and squeezing with very little dull pain. This is even with the Lyrica helping to reduce the severity and duration of pain episodes. My pain migrates around my torso - from my front, sides, and back and typically is not located within the mid range of my abdomen. At times I do have pain in my hips and sometimes even my knees, particularly if my hips are hurting. Fortunately, the mid range abdominal sensations that my insides were hanging outside of my body have ceased and my incisions are no longer feeling strained. I'm uncertain if these changes are due to the Lyrica or simply time. I have also noticed significant improvement to the balance issues I was experiencing following surgery until the end of December. I was randomly nearly falling over when simply standing or sitting still at least once a week, if not more frequently.

The neurologist explained that my pain may be caused by Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and ordered MRIs with and without contrast of my brain and spine to check for plaque on my brain and/or spinal cord caused by MS as well as tumors or other growths that may be caused by Central Nervous System Cancers (CNS) due to my higher risk for CNS cancers from the FAP. He explained, if my pain isn't caused by either of these two conditions, he doesn't know why I'm having nerve pain. I wasn't surprised by the mention of MS as my pain perfectly describes MS Hugs. 

I also had a follow up with my nephrologist this month who maintains that my pain is caused by severe dehydration and I that I simply need to increase my fluid and potassium intake. While these are not bad changes for me to make, I don't believe these steps will resolve my pain.

I'm continuing to await my MRIs and will have my neurology follow up in mid-February.

I am mentally prepared for the possibility of cancer as I have long anticipated a cancer diagnosis at some point in my life due to the FAP. I am not, however, prepared for a MS diagnosis although I truly anticipate this will be the finding.

I am also resuming counseling as the last year has taken a toll on my mental health.

When One Thing Becomes Many

I undergo an upper and lower GI scope every two years presently due to my Familial Adenomatous Polyposis. My FAP polyp growth is slow enough at this time to not require more frequent screening. 

I continue to have a carpeted stomach of fundic gland polyps and recurring duodenal FAP polyps - typically just one or two of them. However, this year I asked my GI specialist one medical question in particular for this year's scopes - can he determine what is causing me to have needle like pain in my intestine, near my ostomy reversal connection site. 

My GI specialist was unable to determine any cause for this pain during my lower GI scope and ordered a CT scan for further evaluation. My last CT scan had been in 2017 so he figured another one was due anyway. This CT scan spawned a battery of tests to follow.

My CT Scan this year discovered:

• My enlarged liver grew another 2 cm
• My enlarged pancreas returned to normal size
• My normal sized right ovary doubled in size and now has multiple cysts including one measuring 6.4 cm cyst 
• I continue to have sub centimeter cysts on both kidneys
• I now have innumerable gall stones that have also increased in size

These results led to:

• Surgical consult for removal of gall bladder
• Recommendation for liver biopsy
• Pelvic ultrasounds

My GI specialist advised my needle like pain may be due to my adhesions. He referred me to a surgeon to discuss gall bladder removal due to my innumerable gall stones and recommended for me to have a liver biopsy during the surgery. He stated my gall stones may be contributing to my chronic nausea.

My Nephrologist was pleased that my renal cysts remain less than a centimeter and didn't require my annual kidney/bladder ultrasound this year due to having the CT scan. She also was in agreement with my GI specialist recommending gall bladder removal stating that I am essentially living without a gall bladder presently, it's just still in my body. 

My gynecologist ordered pelvic ultrasounds and determined she wasn't overly concerned about my ovarian cysts and recommended pelvic ultrasounds to be performed in another year to monitor the larger cyst. My ovarian cysts were classified as simple cysts which are common for women to develop during the menstrual cycle and are often symptomless. Ovarian cysts often cause the ovary to become enlarged and ovary size also changes throughout the month during the menstrual cycle. It is common for ovarian cysts to develop and go away on their own. She did not think the enlarged ovary was contributing to my GI symptoms.

My surgical consult is scheduled for the middle of this month and I have also requested another appointment with my GI specialist to further discuss my concerns and questions about having my gall bladder removed. I have accepted that my gall bladder will require removal at some point, however, I still have questions and concerns I want to discuss. I've also decided that whenever I do decide to have my gall bladder removed, I am going to have at least a week of celebrating greasy foods before the surgery.

The Whipple Procedure

If you're within the Familial Adenomatous Polyposis (FAP) community, you likely know at least one person who also had the Whipple Procedure. Due to the high precancerous polyp growth associated with FAP, it is common for FAP patients to also develop polyps in their stomach including the duodenum, the area that leads from the stomach to the small intestine. Often these polyps become too large and will block this opening or turn cancerous. Often the polyp(s) can be removed during an EGD procedure but sometimes require surgical removal resulting in the Whipple Procedure. Another common procedure due to a polyp blocking the bile duct is the ERCP (endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography) that results in a stent placement to keep the bile duct open after polyp removal.


The Whipple Procedure is also called a Pancreaticoduodenectomy. This surgery removes the head of the pancreas, the gallbladder, duodenum, and a portion of the bile duct and stomach. In some cases, the stomach is not removed and this modified version of the Whipple is called a pylorus-preserving Whipple. The remainder of the pancreas, stomach and small intestine are then reconnected. The surgery in both instances typically requires 5-7 hours to perform.


Due to the complexity of this surgery it can take months to a year for someone to fully recover and feel like themselves again. With the removal of part of the pancreas, diet changes may be required to help reduce symptoms of diarrhea, gas, and stomach pain and may require medication to help with digestion and reduce acid.


Diet changes may need to include:

• Avoid or limit fried, greasy or high fat foods
• Consume fat from healthy sources such as olive oil, canola oil, peanut oil, nuts, seeds and avocados
• Consume 2.5 cups of fruits and vegetables per day
• Eat small meals and snacks to prevent feeling overly full and for easier digestion
• Drink at least 6-12 cups of fluids daily to reduce fatigue, light-headedness and nausea
• Limit fluid intake during meals to prevent feeling overly full or nauseated
• Avoid alcohol
• If nauseated on an empty stomach, small bites of dry food are typically tolerated better than liquids
• Avoid concentrated refined/simple carbohydrates to prevent glucose intolerance or dumping syndrome symptoms
• Glucose intolerance symptoms include increased thirst, frequent urination, blurry vision and fatigue
• Dumping syndrome symptoms occur within 2 hours of ingestion and include flushed skin, light-headedness, weakness, abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea

Vitamins and supplements may be required due to malabsorption following the Whipple procedure. These may include:

• Calcium
• Iron
• B12
• Vitamins A, D, E, and K

Risks of the Whipple Procedure include:

• Bleeding
• Infection
• Delayed emptying of the stomach after ingestion
• Leakage from the pancreas and bile duct connection
• Difficulty with digestion
• Weight loss
• Diabetes

It is recommended to choose a surgeon well-versed in performing the Whipple and a hospital where 15-20 Whipple procedures are performed annually for the best results.


My mother required the Whipple Procedure 13 years following the removal of her colon with a permanent ileostomy due to colorectal cancer as a result of FAP. She had a polyp obstructing the opening of the common bile duct that caused a backup of bile and frequent pancreatitis. My mother had a difficult recovery and due to her high level of pain from the surgery became addicted to pain medication for a brief period. The pain medication addiction only worsened her recovery as she was unable to obtain the rest she needed. Soon after her Whipple, she was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes due to the removal of part of the pancreas and she now requires insulin. Years after her Whipple, she began requiring Vitamin D and K on a regular basis. In early 2020, she required an ERCP stent placement due to recurring polyps and scar tissue at the reconstructed bile duct.

The Whipple Procedure is a demanding, risky surgery that no one wants to require but it can be life saving. However, with routine monitoring of polyp development one has increased prospects for the best treatment and health outcomes possible.

Protecting the Heart Against Anemia

I've struggled with iron deficiency anemia since I had my colon removed in June of 1995. I was soon started on iron tablets, one with every meal. This managed my iron with a low normal hemoglobin for years but I was never able to reach the desired 14-15 hemoglobin my pediatrician so desired for me. Two decades later when I unexpectedly hospitalized in May of 2015, I left the hospital with increased chronic pain and nausea. My new doctor directed me to stop my iron tablets, stating they were contributing to my pain and I didn't need them anyway. Well, I did need them and I was referred to a hematologist for iron infusion therapy. My hematologist also advised me to switch from iron ferrous to iron gluconate, as the gluconate is easier on the stomach. Although I still have chronic stomach pain, it is reduced with the iron tablet switch. Why would I take iron tablets still if I'm getting iron infusion therapy? Why to prolong the time in between iron infusion treatments. It has helped, I required iron infusions every 3-4 months.

So why do we need to worry so much about iron? Not only does it have bothersome short term symptoms but there are also long term dangers if left untreated. Long term effects I didn't even know about until I started researching.

When we're anemic, our bodies are unable to produce the required amount of red blood cells we need to carry oxygen throughout our bodies to all our organs and body parts. These red blood cells also carry carbon dioxide out of your body to be exhaled. To create red blood cells, the body requires nutrients such as Folate and B-12. So it's important to have these levels checked as well.

Iron deficiency anemia is common for those missing the colon and/or part of the small intestine. Symptoms include:

• Fatigue
• Weakness
• Pale skin
• Irregular heartbeats
• Shortness of breath
• Dizziness or lightheadedness
• Chest pain
• Cold extremities
• Headache

As you can tell, anemia is not a picnic. When my iron levels are low, I experience extreme tiredness starting as early as 10 am after a full night's rest. I will have a generalized discomfort to my body, an achiness and restlessness. It's difficult for me to keep my eyes open and I become short of breath easily, I will feel my heart beating inside my chest. I am always cold so I don't notice a difference there. And I'm told that I'm more pale than usual.

What I didn't realize though about prolonged anemia, is that it can cause heart problems. Remember, that short term effect of an irregular heartbeat? Prolonged it can cause arrhythmia (rapid, irregular heartbeat) which can lead to an enlarged heart or heart failure as the heart is weakened by overworking to pump more blood than normal to compensate for a lack of oxygen in the blood. This can lead to other bothersome symptoms, additional serious medical conditions, and death.

Signs and symptoms of heart failure include

• Shortness of breath
• Fatigue
• Weakness
• Swelling
• Arrhythmia
• Persistent cough or wheezing with white or pink blood phlegm or mucus
• Increased urination
• Ascites
• Rapid weight gain from fluid retention
• Lack of appetite and nausea
• Difficulty concentrating

Additional serious medical conditions include:

• Kidney damage or failure
• Heart valve problems
• Liver damage

To help maintain proper iron levels, talk to your doctor about

• Diet changes for foods rich in Iron, Folate, Vitamins B-12 and C
• Supplements for Iron, Folate, Vitamins B-12 and C
• Iron Infusion Therapies
• Any other recommendations

If you have iron deficiency anemia, I promise getting treatment to properly manage your iron levels will make you feel tremendously better. As much as I hate needles, I love my iron infusions.

Lasik - Eye Surgery

Disclaimer: I will be sharing my experience with Lasik eye surgery and may be a trigger for those who are sensitive to medical descriptions.

I've dealt with nearsightedness for years. I required eyeglasses by the time I was in high school so that I could see the blackboard and once I started driving. It seemed as though with each annual eye exam, my nearsightedness worsened but I hate wearing eyeglasses or contacts on a regular basis. I feel as though I can't complete everyday activities outside of driving with my eyeglasses and wearing contacts was more effort than I found worth it on a daily basis except for special circumstances. Also, with contacts I had to be mindful of late activities as the longer I wore contacts in a day, the more bothersome they would become and of course I couldn't fall asleep wearing contacts.

As an additional benefit, my employer offers a discount on Lasik procedures to correct vision. With my health stabilizing once again and no scheduled medical procedures for the year, I decided this was the year to finally undergo Lasik.

With any type of procedure, my PTSD becomes triggered and I experience severe anxiety. I spoke with several individuals who previously underwent Lasik and each person reassured me that the procedure is not painful at all. I was informed that the eyes are numbed with drops and the laser surgery itself takes mere seconds.

After completing a qualifying exam, I scheduled my Lasik. I was provided a single Valium to take upon the completion of paperwork the day of the surgery to help ease my nerves. The last time I took Valium for a procedure was in 2009 when I underwent a 6 month follow up procedure to ensure that the Essure procedure I had underwent was successful. At this time, my anxiety was so severe that even with two doses of Valium, my nerves wouldn't allow the Valium to take effect until after the procedure was completed. I feared this would be the case again now but I repeatedly reminded myself that Lasik would be a painless procedure.

Lasik is completed with the use of a laser to reshape the cornea after a flap of corneal tissue is created. Lasik is an outpatient surgery that takes about 15 minutes to complete. It is such a quick procedure, that Lasik centers are able to schedule several patients in a short amount of time. There are risks to any procedure that can be serious and should be thoroughly discussed with the surgeon.

After completing paperwork, I was directed to a waiting area to join other patients awaiting eye surgery. When it was my turn, I entered the room with my toy kitty that I take with me to medical procedures for added comfort. The surgeon joked with me and notified me that they actually keep a stuffed toy in the operating room for patients to hold on to if they so wish. I was provided a blanket for extra comfort and situated myself upon the operating table. A nurse stood next to me the entire time and walked me through every step of the surgery. She notified me that an instrument would be used to create a flap in my cornea and she turned on the instrument so that I could hear what it sounded like so that I wouldn't be caught off guard. This particular instrument sounded like a drill used by a dentist. It was a terrifying sound when considering that this would be used on my eyes. Drops were inserted in my eyes to numb my eyes. Tape was used to pull my eyelids back to open my eyelids enough for an eye speculum to be inserted to keep my eyelids open. I had no ability to close my eyelids even if I had tried. This was not painful at all although it sounds as though it might. My eye was cleaned with a swab and I was told that a device would be placed on my eye to create suction, I would notice some pressure but no pain. This device was placed on my eye and pushed down - I felt the pressure, but no real pain. This suction ring stabilizes the eye and lifts and flattens the cornea. She told the surgeon it was "building, building, stabilized" and the pressure stopped as the suction was completed. The nurse notified me the drill sound would be starting. Even with this alert, the drill sound startled me and I couldn't help but slightly move my head backwards more into the table. I couldn't see the drill or anything unusual, I could just hear it. I didn't feel anything...the sound was just unnerving as it sounds as though I should see and feel something, but I didn't. My vision remained clear until the surgeon did a swiping motion to move the cornea flap and my vision became extremely blurry and hazy. I was told to stare at a green light that was previously concentrated but now was a blur. I stared at this light for a few seconds, maybe 5 seconds, and then the flap was placed back in the correct position and my blurry vision returned to normal. Several drops of antibiotics and anti-inflammatory eyedrops were placed in my eye. It was time for the next eye and the same procedure was completed. And it was over. During the procedure, in order to calm myself I had to repeatedly remind myself that I wasn't experiencing any pain, this would be over soon, and to think of it as looking through a camera - not through my actual eye itself.

I was taken to another room and another doctor examined my eyes to ensure the cornea flaps had sealed and my eyes looked appropriate. As I waited for the doctor to start his exam, I noticed that I could clearly see letters on the opposite wall that I wouldn't have been able to clearly see previously. The doctor reviewed the instructions for prescription eyedrops for the week and all the dos and don'ts to follow and answer any remaining questions I had. I was provided ice packs, sunglasses, and three boxes of preservative free eyedrops for moisture and told to try to sleep for 4-5 hours and to keep my eyes closed for that period.

The numbing drops were starting to wear off on the ride home. Even with the sunglasses, I was finding any amount of light to be extremely painful upon my closed eyes. My eyes were beginning to feel dry, like sandpaper but I couldn't rub my eyes as this would cause damage to my eyes and risk regression of my improved vision. Once home, I tried to sleep but the Valium had worn off and I was so bothered by the sandpaper feel that I was barely able to sleep. I could barely open my eyes, the sandpaper sensation was so intense. When I did manage to slightly open my eyes, they would immediately tear up and tears streamed down my face. This actually provided some comfort as it moistened my eyes. I had set my alarm to insert the eyedrops as directed and found this extremely challenging on account of the difficulty to open my eyes enough to insert drops. I began to question why I had decided to undergo Lasik. If I could just sleep until this passed, I would have been much more comfortable. I was only able to doze for brief periods through the sandpaper sensation. Finally, over the course of time the sensation began to lessen and my comfort increased. After about 5 hours, the sensation had ceased and I was able to comfortably open my eyes and clearly see things that were previously blurry to me.

I was instructed to use the prescription eyedrops four times a day for a week and to use preservative free artificial tears every 1-2 hours for the next two weeks. I wasn't allowed to wear make up for a week and no eye make up for two weeks. Aerobic exercise was prohibited for a few weeks. I was advised to not rub my eyes ever again, to take Omega 3 fatty acids, drink 5 glasses a water a day to help protect my vision from regression.

Two weeks later and my vision is 20/15! Extremely close objects in front of my eyes are blurry whereas they weren't previously but it isn't enough to interfere with anything and I normally don't have anything extremely close to my eyes anyway. I'm told that my vision should continue to improve over the next 6 months as my eyes continue to heal. I haven't driven at night yet to know how my vision is affected by lights at night. I'm told to expect halos and glare at night from lights for a few months although every individual is different. A second follow up occurs after 2-3 months and a final follow up around 6 months.

I'm pleased with my present outcome of the Lasik eye surgery. At times, I'm not certain if I would elect to undergo Lasik again but I am enjoying no longer requiring eyeglasses or contacts and the ability to see long distance for a change.

Loving Iron Infusions In Spite of Needle Fear

My energy is beginning to dwindle again. Although still completing work duties, by the end of the work day I'm frequently no longer having any energy remaining. I am so exhausted that daily activities are out of the question, even showering requires more energy than I have some days. I had my follow up appointment with my hematologist and as I suspected, my iron levels were dropping once again requiring another round of iron infusions.

I was apprehensive about starting iron infusions when my GI doctor first recommended it. I had been taking iron tablets for more than 20 years without issue until suddenly in 2015, I could no longer tolerate my iron tablets. Ever since my 2015 hospitalization I've been experiencing chronic nausea and increased chronic pain. Iron tablets were adding to the pain and did lessen when I discontinued the tablets. However, I still required iron or risk worsening anemia. With my hemoglobin dropping and my chronic fatigue worsening, I was desperate to start iron infusions. I no longer cared about my needle fear, I just wanted to feel better.

And so my experimental adventure with iron infusions began. After my first round of infusions, it took about 4 months and I was requiring another round. After my second round, my doctor changed me from ferrous sulfate to ferrous gluconate tablets in an attempt to supplement my iron intake again and lengthen my time in between infusions. With this new addition, I was able to lengthen my in between times to six months! However, three months after the third round and I'm back to the four month in between time.

Sure, every time I sit in the recliner awaiting my IV to be started, my PTSD is triggered. Anxiety begins to overwhelm me. I feel my body automatically sinking back into the recliner more and more, as if trying to be swallowed by the recliner in an effort to escape the situation. I force myself to hold back tears only to fail when I require two or more attempts to start the IV. The fear, the pain making me question why am I putting myself through the torment.

But I remember why I subject myself to my needle fear when I have a weekend full of activity due to overflowing energy. I remember, that energy, that ability to participate in two days worth of activities...that's why. Because I love those days. Sure, you'll find me often in bed by 8 pm on a weekday after working. And sure, I can rarely stay up past 10 pm. But those days when I can engage in activities for hours...those days excite me. Those days are worth it all.

I have another week before my next round of iron infusions and I'm ready for the day to arrive. I'm ready to have energy again on a consistent basis. It's uncertain regarding the frequency for receiving the iron infusions. However, regardless if infusions are required every three months or longer - I'm willing and ready.

Awaiting Results

The year 2015 ended my 8 year streak of being free of cancer screenings and hospitalizations. During an unexpected hospitalization for dehydration, I finally consented to undergoing scopes again to screen for cancerous polyps in my GI tract. I had previously refused scopes after my last one in 2007 due to the harsh prep my GI doctor required prior to each scope. Psychologically, I couldn't endure the pain that accompanied the prep and preferred to take my risk with cancer than undergo the psychological torment any further. However, I relented with a new doctor who didn't require a prep for a scope due to my short bowel syndrome. In 2015, it was discovered that I had developed stomach polyps in the 8 year span without scopes and I had 4 deep ulcers at my straight pull thru connection site.

I thought I would begin undergoing yearly scopes once again with this new doctor. However, in 2016 my doctor advised me that FAP guidelines had changed to recommending scopes every two years rather than yearly. I wasn't one to argue. After all, I had gone 8 years without scopes. I wasn't too worried about one more year. This doctor also advised me that FAP polyps only develop in the colon, rectum, and duodenal area - no where else in the GI tract. I question this as I've read and my first doctor advised me that FAP polyps can develop anywhere in the GI tract. My first doctor even anticipated I would develop stomach cancer by the age of 30. Fortunately, the stomach polyps discovered were benign and non-FAP.

I started 2017 off with yet another doctor and just completed this year's scope with my new GI doctor. He entered my recovery period and advised me that I still had small stomach polyps, a superficial ulcer at my connection site, and a new polyp on my ampulla. Biopsies were taken of the new polyp and the ulcer and I'll receive my results within a week. The news of this new polyp shot through my body. I wasn't able to keep my first thought locked within my mind as I blurted out "I'm not going to do chemo".

I realize there's a chance that this ampulla polyp isn't even a FAP polyp. I realize there's no sense in worrying while awaiting for the biopsy results. Stressing and worrying will not change the results nor will serve any beneficial purpose. Yet I can't forget that my understanding from my doctors and the experiences of fellow FAPers is that this area is the second area most likely to develop cancer after the colon. Based on this knowledge, I'm led to anticipate that this is indeed a FAP polyp.

So what if it is a FAP polyp? It's already been removed for biopsy. But what next? How soon will more develop? I feel as though I'm simply waiting for the other shoe to drop. In all likelihood, I will develop more pre-cancerous or cancerous FAP polyps in my lifetime. In all likelihood, I will develop cancer again in my lifetime. So why can't this be this time? Why can't this likely possibility simply occur now rather than later. Why am I always waiting for the inevitable? Can't it simply occur and be over with. I'm tired of waiting. If I'm going to develop cancer, let it be now. Not later.

And so I wait.
I wait to hear my biopsy results.
I wait to hear about what my future may hold for me.

Remember the Worst

I've been through worse. I've survived worse. 

I can survive this too.

I chant to myself, reminding myself, preparing myself.

I underwent a biopsy of a section of my last stoma site, now a scar, that never healed. It would become irritated and blister, a painful blister until it was made to burst. This cycle would continue on a weekly basis for 15 years until I decided to address it with a doctor. Although believed to be benign, the doctor wanted to complete a biopsy just to be safe while removing the sore simultaneously.

I dreaded the procedure. Actually, I dreaded the lidocaine shot. Not only can it burn but the level of pain would depend upon where the needle was placed - something I was afraid to ask about beforehand. My anxiety built and as the needle was placed inside the sore twice, I couldn't help but scream in pain before bursting into tears. The rest of the procedure was completed without incidence. And now, I'm left with the irritating pain that remains after the lidocaine has worn off.

I've survived worse than a shot in a sore on my scar. I've survived being sliced open without anesthesia, my intestine twisted around itself and surrounding organs, insertion of ng and rectal tubes, and the Essure procedure. And yet, in that moment those past survival achievements mean nothing. They don't help reduce my pain in the moment.

So how are these achievements helpful at all?

Remembering the worst helps in our mental preparations for what's to come next.

We survived worse so we can survive less.

If you're like me, mental preparation is a requirement for most medical procedures. Even lab draws require some mental preparation on my part. I have to coax myself into the right state of mind, inducing a bit of calmness into my highly anxious and fearful mind. I anticipate the pain before the pain begins and if I allow myself, I'll physically feel that pain without any actual physical prompting.

At times I require more than coaxing but also convincing of myself to go through with a procedure.

When asked if I would still have gone through this recent biopsy if I had realized the level of pain I would experience, I wasn't sure how to answer. I'm not sure if it would be worth it to me to go through this again. After all, the blistering sore was more of a nuisance than anything. It was never infected and posed no danger, just a reoccurring irritation of fluid build up. Now as the pain begins to subside with healing, I'm glad I had it done but would I really go through it again? I'm not sure I would. I like to avoid pain when I can. And it honestly hurt more than I first thought it would when I decided to have the sore removed. It was only during the approaching time to the biopsy that I started to fear and imagine what the pain level would be. Not only was it just a nuisance than any real issue, but as I wait for my new incision to heal I'm increasingly paranoid about the section of skin that was stitched to the incision section. This junction caused a new bump, very similar to the unhealing sore I just had removed. I worry that this will just create another unhealing sore or worse - a bump that will be more irritated than what was there before. Now I'm overanxious for the removal of the stitches to be removed so I'll be able to find out what this new scar will become. Would I go through this again to fix a new problem? Not likely. I would, however, regret my initial decision if my fears are confirmed about this possible new irritated sore spot.
I debated the idea of receiving iron infusions simply because it involved an IV. I desperately wanted my hemoglobin to reach a normal level - I was so exhausted I was ready for an IV. But after that first round, would I really want to continue with the infusions? So far, I'm willing to undergo the infusions in an effort to obtain a stabilized hemoglobin. And now I'm anxious to discover how the combination of infusions and ferrous gluconate (instead of ferrous sulfate) will affect the stability of my hemoglobin. And honestly, the first infusion of a round is the worse. After going back to receive an IV after several months without any it causes the anticipation to build, increasing the fear of the dreaded IV. Yet, the second infusion of the round is by far easier than the first. I survived the first one, I can survive the second one. There's less time for anticipation and fear to build between the first and second.

Regardless the various reasons we may hold onto remembering the worst, it remains to be helpful as we prepare ourselves for another medical battle - small or large. It reminds us of our strength and resiliency. Without these two characteristics, we become hard pressed for taking to the battle again. With these two characteristics though, we are fierce and unrelenting even we don't realize it. So stay strong, don't shy away from what you've survived. It will help you fight another day.