Living My Best Life

I started this article as 2022 was coming to a close and I was reflecting on all that has transpired and what is presently at hand. I only now feel ready to publish it though as it has been a pretty intense 6 months of 2023 already! As I was reflecting on 2022, I had the following questions and answers and I find myself asking them again now in June of 2023.

Has this been the best year for me? No, absolutely not. Has my life changed for the better this year? Absolutely it has. This acknowledgement led me to the realization that I was and still am living my best life right now. And I'm celebrating it with immense gratitude.

As a result of my medical PTSD, I've struggled with periodic bouts of depression and intense anger with a longing for death that I've experienced since my first surgery at age 9. It didn't help in high school during one of my near-death experiences that I was overcome with the deepest sense of peace I've ever encountered. This peace has left me longing for death even more ever since. So, joy wasn't something I regularly experienced or even thought about, much less sought. To me, life has merely been a waiting period full of suffering. This isn't to say that I've lived an unhappy life. Rather, it's often a life overshadowed by fear - fears of losing my parents or other loved ones, fear of uncertainty, fear of emotional and physical pain, fear of the past repeating itself. 

2021 forced me to dedicate 2022 to focusing on my mental health, learning self-care and allowing self-growth. I started 2021 with emotional turmoil from reliving my own medical traumas while writing my own medical story and my children's book about FAP for publication. This was an intense, emotionally exhaustive and long process - much more than I had anticipated. I ended the year with my 8th abdominal surgery and new, unexplained debilitating chronic pain that would take over 6 months for a diagnosis of Abdominal Migraine. I also was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia around this time, a new diagnosis for me that I haven't even given any thought to until recently. 

I began 2022 with resuming anti-depressant medication and counseling. Shortly after, within the span of a month, two of my family members who had helped raise me, passed away. Not long after that, another family member who had helped raise me moved 2.5 hours away - she was no longer physically close to me in proximity, and it was as though I was losing her too as I was losing those that my childhood life was so firmly founded upon. I was taken back to the loss of previous family members in the early 2000's that shook me to my core. 

In 2022, I added metaphysics courses and EMDR therapy for trauma work to my CBT therapy. While life significantly improved upon appropriately managing the pain of Abdominal Migraine, the end of 2022 wasn't easy either. I started experiencing regular vomiting with the reason only just being determined in May 2023 as that of esophageal dysmotility. I lost another family member and am preparing for the loss of yet another family member. And my trauma work to process not only my past trauma but also my future fears is extremely emotionally difficult work. 

And yet, I'm at a place in my life that I can't deny is the happiest time of my life. I'm cherishing every moment with my parents. I have built a family and life with my life partner, his son and family. I've regained my quality of life after enduring a year of debilitating pain. I'm learning and practicing self-care and healing from my past trauma. I'm maintaining employment, serving in new advocacy roles for the cancer and rare disease communities and celebrated the 10th anniversary of LAP. 

In 2021, I attended my first Reiki session and was confronted by my lack of experiencing joy with a challenge to start finding joy. Through all of the hard work I'm doing for my self-care, self-healing, and self-growth - I can finally say that I do experience moments of joy now in life. And they are absolutely wonderful, and I want more of them. I want them so much so that I often am faced with moments of fear and anxiety to hold onto those moments as they're overshadowed at times by my fear of never having them again. This is becoming a lessening concern though as I am incredibly doing well maintaining self-care after a year of trial and error with how to maintain self-care practices. 

I'm also relieved and grateful to finally know the reason for my unexplained chronic vomiting after nearly a year of this issue only worsening and learning what my treatment options will be for it. It is something I've really been struggling with since July of 2022 that was only worsening and taking a heavier and heavier mental toll. With my esophageal dysmotility, I am faced with very limited options for treatment - a muscle relaxer or surgery - both of which my doctor doesn't like. Fortunately, I previously took Baclofen in 2014 following developing a bulging disc in my neck and didn't experience any side effects from the medication. My doctor agreed to allow me to trial it for my vomiting and so far, as long as I time my doses right and don't overeat, I'm able to keep food and drink down! I've decided to not pursue surgery for two reasons - not only because medication is working but also, my doctor confirmed I have another stricture around my small intestine. And as he reminded me, no one really wants to do surgery on me due to my long history of surgeries and excessive adhesions. I fully anticipate in the future it is likely that I will require surgery for the Whipple Procedure and/or to remove the adhesions creating my stricture. I'd much rather at this point, trade a surgery for esophageal dysmotility for one or both of these possibly needed surgeries in the future. There comes a point when a person becomes inoperable, and I don't want to hasten that time for myself any more than what's absolutely necessary. 

The mental toll I've been under this year has also been compounded by developing Post Concussion Syndrome following a fall in February 2023. This is a subject I will explore in a future post but do not presently feel comfortable publicly sharing the full details of what life has been like with PCS at this time except that PCS has been an extremely challenging and nightmarish experience that no one has been able to truly understand how it's affected me except for my partner, Mike. And that has also been a challenge as it has led me to feel isolated, misunderstood, and dismissed by the majority of people in my life because they don't see or grasp what it's like to have a brain injury that isn't healing at an expected or wanted rate. My brain is still healing with slow improvements, which is something I am also extremely grateful and relieved about and hope that when my brain fully heals that I won't have lifelong complications from the injury. 

It's a difficult process to accept when life changes with no guarantee or even signs of improvement to return to how life was previously. In spite of a multitude of changes occurring in the last 2 years with barely any time to adjust to one change before another arises, I can confidently say that presently I am living my best life and even though there are no cures for my conditions, I'm full of gratitude for where I'm at in my life and I eagerly anticipate a world of wonderful things to continue as time goes on. 

Finding My Person

This year I turned 36 and I received an unexpected surprise to celebrate my birthday.

I previously shared how birthdays turned from once an enjoyable experience to one of emotional devastation along with other milestone holidays. 

When I turned 35 last year, it was my first birthday to celebrate with my boyfriend, Mike. It remained a difficult day for me but Mike and my coworkers did their best to help me celebrate. However, it was the best birthday I had experienced since 2015 when a close friend of mine came to visit from out of state and took me on a full day birthday celebration. I learned that my birthday could be a day to look forward to with Mike. 

This year's birthday was even better. Not only did I not feel alone but I also wasn't consumed by my usual emotional turmoil surrounding milestones. I attribute part of this to the unanticipated healing experience I encountered through a Reiki session in April. I've noticed since this Reiki session that I have significantly reduced the frequency of time I fixate on my life expectancy and my fear of losing my parents. This reduction was helpful to allow me to focus on celebrating my birthday rather than focusing on negative and fearful thoughts. 

After my divorce, my views on relationships and marriage greatly changed. I never expected to allow myself to feel deeply for another person again after my divorce. I unexpectedly found a great love again after my divorce that would end after a year together. While this break up was a painful experience, it taught me that I could indeed love deeply once again. With this knowledge tucked away, I remained open to finding love again in the future although I didn't let relationships overly worry me.

Me and Mike

I happened across meeting Mike through a dating app and didn't expect much of anything to occur. He seemed nice and a week after our first date, he started asking to see me a couple of times a week. I encountered a few emotionally difficult incidents which were complicated by the sudden departure in my life by a couple individuals who I had thought cared for me. Mike, however, stood by me and was extremely supportive. Within a month, we decided to become exclusive and we found ourselves falling in love with one another. He soon began to collaborate with me on Life's a Polyp by creating designs for Life's a Polyp Shop and brainstorming ideas with me. His son even inspired two characters that are featured in my children's book about Familial Adenomatous Polyposis that is being published in 2022: Life’s a Polyp with Zeke and Katie

Before I knew it, our relationship reached our one year anniversary and we were talking about spending our lives together. I am opposed to marriage and Mike is indifferent to the idea of marriage. We agreed we would some day exchange commitment rings when we were ready to commit our lives to one another but we would not seek legal marriage.

To celebrate my birthday this year, Mike surprised me with a commitment ring. So, of course, I provided him a ring in return. 

I'm thrilled to share that I found my person!

Our 3 Rings Together

When we shared with Mike's son about our commitment rings, he asked for one of his own too!

Vacationing Amidst a Global Pandemic with Chronic Illness

It's been over a year since I took a real vacation. I took a week off work at the end of 2019 to work on projects for my house, but that doesn't really count. I've been in need of a real vacation, particularly with the stress of Covid19. Work has changed with the pandemic resulting in extra responsibilities and increased exposure to others. I'm always mindful to wear all of my PPE to best protect myself and thus far haven't caught it myself.

Right before Covid19 hit the United States, I started a new relationship and this August we reached our 6 month anniversary. This may not seem like a big deal to many but it is for me. After a devastating divorce in 2016, it hasn't been easy for me to find someone I feel as though I have a real chance for a lifetime commitment with.

We decided to drive to a cabin in the mountains, in the middle of a nature preserve, in Colorado to celebrate our relationship milestone. Travel is not the easiest situation for someone like me who has Short Bowel Syndrome (SBS). I don't let my health stop me from enjoying the activities I'm most interested in but that doesn't make participation in activities easy either. We would be driving for a full day with as minimal stops as possible in order to reach our cabin. This meant I would need to take the appropriate amount of Lomotil medication to slow by SBS and limit my food and fluid intake as well to help us minimize our stops for restroom breaks. However, I have to be careful with the amount of Lomotil I take as it will cause me to have intestinal blockages if I'm not careful and when traveling across the United States there are long distances without any facilities. And remember, we're in the middle of a pandemic and a toilet paper shortage. Not every business will allow non-customers to utilize their restrooms and not all businesses even admit to have a restroom. This not the best situation for anyone, especially for someone with gastrointestinal issues. We stocked up on toilet paper - I think we took about 25 rolls and an entire box of Calmoseptine ointment just to be on the safe side. I was over prepared but it's better to be safe than sorry.

The day we left for vacation was actually easier than the day we came back as my intestine was barely active resulting in a lack of appetite and thirst which helped reduce the number of stops we needed to take especially as there was about 2 hours of travel where there weren't any available stops. On our way back, I wasn't as fortunate although we managed fine. I took 5 Lomotil tablets on our way back but I was regularly hungry and thirsty. I was worried about the distance in between available stops so I frequently asked to stop - about every decent sized town that had a facility. I've also increased my water intake this year and so my body has become more accustomed to feeling thirsty and the need to urinate even if I haven't been drinking as much as I usually do anymore. Wearing a mask regularly when in public spaces to help prevent Covid19 transmission has also increased my thirst making it even harder to limit fluid intake. Any food or fluid intake and movement activates my SBS so any activity involving walking also increases my facility needs.

Me and Mike

We finally reached our small cabin in the mountains and though we had some activities in mind, we didn't have much of an itinerary planned. It was more about relaxing away from home and work for us. The cabin belonged to the parents of my boyfriend's friend - who had just moved to a house within the same nature preserve a couple weeks earlier. We visited with his friend's parents often during our trip - enjoying meals and borrowed their off terrain utility vehicle to explore the nature preserve one day. I made sure to take a roll of toilet paper while off roading as the preserve was large and there were no public facilities. During our visit, we would see deer, big horned sheep, birds, eagles, rabbit, and even a bat that almost hit both of us in the face one night.

We decided to visit the nearest large town and enjoyed visiting its' local distillery, breweries, and winery as well as shopping at local shops before dining at a well known local pizzeria for dinner. We traveled to the Royal Gorge but decided not to cross the Gorge's bridge due to a steep admission price. We were able to enjoy the views from available overlooks.

Royal Gorge, Colorado

Chipmunks in St. Elmo's

We spent another day traveling the back dirt roads (which was a 2 hour trip, again no facilities available anywhere) to Mount Princeton in the San Isabel National Forest and driving to St. Elmo's - a ghost town in the national forest. There are still buildings to view in the ghost town and a small shop that remains open to visitors. There you can purchase seed to hand feed the local chipmunks at the Chipmunk Crossing. The chipmunks were very friendly, crawling all over us and into my purse even. The views and interacting with the chipmunks made this my favorite outing for the week.

I managed well during the day with our activities in spite of my SBS, however, the nights were a different story. Due to increased fluid intake and my Lomotil wearing off in the evenings, I required a significant increase in restroom breaks during the night. There was one day when I required to not take any Lomotil in order to allow my system to return to normal and prevent an intestinal blockage from occurring due to prolonged Lomotil use.

Overall, the vacation was a success and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Colorado is a beautiful state and we were able to social distance from others easily to help reduce our risk of Covid19 exposure. If you're considering traveling during the pandemic, remember to be aware of any relevant state or local mandates of the areas you'll be visiting, bring a mask with you and plenty of your necessary medical supplies. I would also suggest toilet paper (you never know!) Consider traveling to less populated areas to reduce your risk of Covid19 exposure and avoid Covid19 hotspots. Each state of the US has a tourism website with great information about their local attractions and places of interest to help plan an interesting trip. Be safe out there!

I Still Grieve My Marriage Years Later

Today is my wedding anniversary. It would mark 8 years of marriage and 10 years together. As I look back over the memories that my wedding anniversary brings forth I remember that within a month of dating, I knew I was going to marry him. I had found my perfect match to create a life with full of our hopes and dreams. I had finally found the one for me.

Our wedding was perfect for us. We had a Blues Brothers themed wedding that was fun and light hearted. We had details of the movies interwoven into our wedding from handcuffs, converse shoes for the ring bearer, black suits and sunglasses for the men, and dancing down the aisle to Blues Brothers music by every member of the wedding party. I made my dress from my grandmother's wedding dress and my jewelry from that of my great aunt's. There was a lot of thought put into our wedding ceremony and reminiscing on my wedding day still brings me joy as I cherish all the memories of the details of that day.

I made the decision to end my marriage over 3 years ago now. It was a difficult decision to make but I fully accept my decision and I have no regrets regarding that decision. Even though I am no longer in love with my ex husband, I still find myself grieving my marriage in spite of my acceptance.

I was shaken and heartbroken when I awoke from a recent nightmare. I dreamt my ex husband and I were engaged and we lived in a busy, small town. The town was devastated by a plane crash and my ex husband died from smoke inhalation from the fire that was started in the town by the crash. My life had been torn apart before we were even wed.

I realize this dream was symbolic of the loss of marriage I experienced with my now ex husband. I can't escape the loss even in my sleep. I find myself wishing circumstances had been different to prevent our divorce. We made a great couple, we were great together until actions caused trust to be betrayed. I was unable to re-establish trust in our relationship, it no longer was a partnership, and I didn't want to live like that with another person. I didn't want to live with the risk of liabilities placed upon me by others. But I still wish things had turned out differently.

With the loss of my marriage also came the loss of goals, dreams, and a lifetime together. Events without my partner remain emotionally difficult. For example, vacations that would have been taken with him are now taken with different people or by myself. This year will be the first cruise I've ever taken without my ex husband. Traveling to new places has been emotionally difficult without him. I relied on him to navigate and drive us where we needed to go when visiting new places.

My parents recently celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. As happy for them as I am, such celebrations remind me of what was lost within my own marriage. Not only were dreams lost but the future was lost as well. Now I create my own future without him, without a partner. I still long for a future spent with a lifetime partner, even though it will be with someone different. I was fortunate to find someone I wanted to spend my life with once but will I be so fortunate again? I don't know the answer to that. I hope I will be but not everyone finds someone to spend their lives with and so it may be the case for me. Only the future will tell.

In the meantime, I continue to work on my own personal growth and acceptance of how my life is now post divorce and the countless possibilities that the future may hold. I cherish the interpersonal relationships I have with others even if those are not romantic relationships. I hold tight the good memories of my wedding and that of my ex husband as I look to the future and what it may hold for me.

Overreactions to Chronic Illness

I've noticed as I've re-entered the dating world following my divorce a common trend among those who may be labeled as healthy themselves and have a limited experience of chronic illness - they tend to overreact to my health symptoms. I realize this comes from a place of concern and uncertainty regarding what they should do to help me and I would prefer their concern than for them to dismiss my symptoms. But I can't help but almost laugh to myself at their overreactions all the same.

One partner asked to call an ambulance whenever I wasn't feeling well. Others regularly advised me to see a doctor or go to the ER when I'm ill. They haven't had the experience yet to trust that I know when I need to seek help and when I don't. I imagine they feel helpless as they listen and watch me suffer from my symptoms as well. Those of us with chronic illness have learned our bodies over time and we can tell when professional intervention is necessary and when we can let it slide until the next check up appointment.

For instance, I was having early symptoms of a possible intestinal blockage. My partner encouraged me to go to the doctor. I haven't had a multitude of intestinal blockages but I've had enough to know that seeking medical attention at this stage wasn't necessary as I wasn't even sure I was having an intestinal blockage yet. I was able to still function and I wasn't having any of the for certain signs of an intestinal blockage - just a concern that I could be starting to. Even if I was having an intestinal blockage, I try the various tricks recommended to try to help the intestinal blockage pass before heading to the ER.

From time to time I feel very weak and it is even difficult to walk or talk. I end up staring off into space, not responding to those around me until my energy can be restored. This would send one partner into a scare and he would threaten to call an ambulance. Anyone who knows me knows that one of the last things I want done is for an ambulance to be called for me. It has yet to be necessary and I don't want the expense of an ambulance ride to the hospital when someone could drive me to the hospital if needed. In this case I had to muster all my strength to tell my partner no to an ambulance and walk to the bedroom to rest.

My father has helped provide care to my mother for the majority of their marriage and to me for the majority of my life. He is relatively healthy but through his experiences as a caregiver, he's learned to trust my mother and myself. He acknowledges that he doesn't know exactly how we are feeling or what our tolerances are for pain and other bothersome symptoms. He's resigned himself to follow our lead - he offers assistance and helps us is whatever ways he can - and he waits for us to tell him when enough is enough and we need help obtaining medical intervention. He has told me how helpless he feels when we're ill feeling but he realizes we will let him know what kind of help we need as we know our bodies and limitations better than anyone.

If I were to call the doctor or go to the emergency room every time I felt sick, I would be calling or be there every . single . day. And unfortunately, that's how it is with a lot of us with chronic illness. We don't experience regular reprieves of bothersome symptoms. We feel ill, we are tired, and we are in pain the majority of the time. We have learned what is normal for our bodies and what is not. We have learned to live with symptoms to the best of our abilities and we can tell when those symptoms increase to the point of requiring additional medical intervention. The sad truth is that we are lucky if we have found a way to manage our symptoms for the most part. It may be too much to ask for a cure but management may be a real possibility.

Coping with Life Altering Breakups

The 27th will be the third anniversary of my divorce. I view this day as my independence day - the day I regained my freedom as an independent woman free from the confines of being legally tied to another person and the damage that legality can cause to a person when all is betrayed or jeopardized.

Although I still celebrate this freedom day, this year it comes with some heartache. Perhaps this is due to the ending of my last relationship almost six months ago. It was the first relationship since my divorce where I allowed myself to deeply love again and for a while I thought this relationship would be a forever relationship. Like my dreams and hopes pinned on my marriage were dashed, so it would be with this relationship as well.

Just like with the ending of any deep relationship, there are bouts of sadness and pain that creep in afterwards when you think you've fully healed. And so it is as my anniversary approaches. I am reminded of the life I once had and the life I have now. I had a good life then and I still do now - they're just different and honestly, in the long run it is a far better life now.

In my marriage, we were building a life together. We were planning to build our dream home on a farm I bought in the country and for years planned on surrogacy for a child of our own. He was trying to make his own side business work of his own passions and interests. We lived as partners and we had a great relationship and marriage - until we didn't anymore. I remember the day that my life began to fall apart, only I didn't truly realize it yet. My love for my husband and my optimism in us kept me in denial of the true level of pain that had been inflicted upon me and our relationship. In the end, the pain was too much and I couldn't get past it. Eventually, I realized that the level of security I require for my own well-being could only be obtained and protected on my own - outside of any marriage or legalities that would tie me to another person and their choices.

My life changed - there was no more plans for a deeply desired baby, I moved back home to my parents and eventually sold the farm. I didn't know what I would do or where I would live permanently. My mind frantically raced between all the possibilities. One moment I was going to permanently stay with my parents and provide for them as they age or I would build my own house on their acreage so that I would be near but separate. Or maybe I would go ahead and build a house on my farm or just move into my new boyfriend's house. The options were endless and I found myself able to advocate for every possibility. But in reality, I was still grieving. My life was different and there were too many options available. I didn't know what I wanted my life to become.

The times following our separation and divorce were truly freeing.
The weight of all the pain and

stress had been lifted from me and I had the whole world ahead of me full of adventures awaiting me. Sometimes I still am gifted the surreal feeling of my present life with all the freedom of opportunities that singledom provides - the never ending possibilities that lie ahead for me with no one else to answer to or interfere with my decisions or life. The world is open to me and I can choose any path I so wish. This surreal feeling has waned over the years but it refreshes itself periodically and I am left amazed at my life. I left a marriage that had unexpectedly turned harmful to my future security and I managed to pick myself up (albeit with the support of my parents and friends) and now I own my own home. I never would have suspected owning your own home could provide such joyous, prideful feelings within oneself. At times it is hard to believe I am where I am in life - that surreal feeling that I made it on my own.

My last relationship lasted a year, longer than it should have for my own mental well-being. We lived together and it was nice to share a life with someone beyond just the weekly date. It wasn't a partnership like I wanted but it was the closest I had come since my marriage and we shared a deep love for a while. After our break up, I had to become accustomed to being on my own again in my home. This allowed me to reacquaint myself with my home and that surreal feeling of it all being mine and mine alone. That surreal freedom I had lost while in this relationship.

I've rediscovered my freedom and the wonderfulness of my present life since then. Sure, I hope to find a partner to spend my life with someday. It would be nice but so is the freedom of independence. And so for now, I will savor this freedom and cherish the surreal feeling of my accomplishments and the adventures that await me.

When Chronic Illness is a Deal Breaker

It was only about an hour of my time, he had already asked me out on a date. But that all changed when I told him about my health. I've never had someone point blank tell me my chronic illness was a deal breaker for them. My boyfriends and friends have always been supportive and understanding of my health issues. I've been fortunate to surround myself with empathetic individuals.


I do not know what his reasons were nor did I care to know. I knew what was important, it was a deal breaker and although taken aback a bit, I was glad to know sooner rather than later and I hadn't wasted that much time on our conversation. My first thought though was "I'm glad this happened now and not when I was a teenager or young adult". I had my ostomy when I was 9 until I was about 15. Growing up with an ostomy was very difficult for me emotionally and mentally. My self esteem suffered greatly under the pressure of growing up with an ostomy and later it would be an issue after my ostomy reversal and dealing with Short Bowel Syndrome. I was not as confident in my body or my health issues nor was I as honest and upfront about my health as I am now. How devastating it would have been for my fragile ego as a teenager or young adult to be told that my health made me not good enough for a relationship. Now I realize this is not a reflection on me but on the person making such a statement and so I am merely grateful to have that person out of my life.


It also worried me about this person in particular as he cares for children as a nurse practitioner in a children's emergency room. If he could be so non-understanding with an adult, how is he treating his young patients for their health issues? And what about his future partner as her health declines over time? My heart ached for these people affected by his poor attitude toward illness. I escaped with very little time invested but my well-being is not in his hands.


Working in healthcare myself, I look forward to romantic interests and friendships with other healthcare professionals as we are accustomed to dealing with illness and all the usual worries individuals have about illness and symptoms can be put aside with healthcare professionals. Evidently this is not the case for all healthcare professionals but I still believe it is with the majority of us. Most of us are desensitized to symptoms of illness and disease and so we can let our guards down with one another. I suppose with any other field or persons, there are good ones and bad ones.


If you are confronted with a person who decides your worth is not deserving due to your illness, I encourage you to not take it personal and try not to let it affect your mental well-being as this is a pure reflection on that person and not on yourself. You are greater than this judging person. You are worth a lot and deserving of all the love and kindness in the world just like anyone else. Your illness does not detract from you as a person. If anything, it adds to you as you are a survivor with wisdom and strength others are not privy to with their good health. Hold strong in yourself and shrug off the haters.

What I Learned From Divorce

When I divorced, I never could have been prepared for what to expect. No one tells you what you should expect, there is no handbook. Your world is turned upside down and you feel like your life is out of control. You simply live in trial and error and commiserate with other divorcees who can relate to your experiences. There is so much you learn during this period that can last for years even. The navigating, the learning may never cease. I'm only two years post divorce and although my married days feel like a lifetime ago, they remain with me although diminished in intensity.

From the initial moment I made the final and clear decision to end my marriage I began to experience an exhilarating time; I was filled with emotions of relief that were freeing to my mind and soul. I no longer had to hold on to the stress and worry that had accompanied me for the months previously while I battled depression and the stress of trying to hold on to everything while maintaining my sanity. With all this freedom, my energy levels soared as I was no longer burdened by immense stress. I started exercising, I could hardly sleep due to my abundance of energy and my excitement for the possibilities of the future. I felt limitless and carefree, unburdened by my final decision.

I began to re-enter the dating world shortly after, as is a common occurrence. Looking back, I realize now that a divorced individual is a mess for at least a year following the divorce and for that person's own sanity and sake, really shouldn't enter into relationships during this time. Refraining from re-entering the dating world for a year would be a very difficult commitment for most individuals. As humans, we long for companionship and intimacy with others. We tend to enjoy the thrill of finding potential new partners and participating in the dating realm. We feel desired by others giving us attention after an ordeal such as a divorce. The options for potential partners is an exciting new world that is reopened to us. It's a thrill that is hard to deny. The first year particularly is for a time of healing and rediscovering one's self. I had an intense amount of energy and drive for my limitless future but my mind was so scattered and pulled apart by all the options that now laid available to me. My mind raced between options and even though I set goals and plans for myself, I didn't stay with a plan for long before racing to another idea and option. It must have been exhausting for anyone listening to my rambling ideas and trying to keep up with my racing mind. Just as I wasn't ready to commit to another relationship, I wasn't ready to commit to even a singular life plan.

I was not ready for an emotionally invested relationship. I began to become terrified of relationships and kept a cold, emotional distance between myself and others. I've never had a great record of dating and I figured this time around wouldn't be any different; only this time I wouldn't marry again. I would forever be entering and exiting dating relationships. I vowed to myself that I would never allow myself to become lost to another, I would maintain my physical, financial, and emotional independence from another. Relationships became an "easy come, easy go" mentality for me as I kept distance between myself and a partner. I began to view relationships as impermanent. I survived what I thought I wouldn't - losing the person I considered my soulmate and life partner. If I could survive that and be happy again, then the same is true for any future relationship; I will survive any relationship ending. I wouldn't allow myself to become overly emotionally invested and as a result, a failed relationship was merely an inconvenience that could soon be replaced by another potential suitor. I spent a year dating men younger than myself and I learned to appreciate men who were closer to my own age. Not only was I not emotionally available but I also didn't want to deal with immaturity or drama. I had experienced enough drama with my own divorce, I didn't need or want additional drama brought into my life by another individual. I wanted simplicity and partners who themselves were an emotionally strong individual. I was tired of being the emotionally strong person all the time. I wanted someone who could stand their own. Although I have allowed myself to find a deep love again with the intent for building a lifetime together, I maintain a conscious eye on my independence. I've learned that with the right person, I don't have to keep a cold, emotional distance between ourselves as a means to protect myself. I can let another into my heart and remain independent and maintain a healthy self. Becoming cold and distant does not make a healthy relationship and now that I've re-opened myself to a deep and loving relationship, I am much happier than I was in previous relationships. In spite of finding a deep love, for good or bad, without any effort I maintain the view of relationships being impermanent.

While navigating the divorced world, I realized that all my new moments are tainted by past memories and experiences during my marriage. This has lessened with time, but there are stinging moments that cross my heart as I remember a time with my now former spouse or when I am embarking upon a new adventure that would have been with my former spouse if divorce had not occurred. It was quite painful as such events would trigger a flood of memories and grief over what was and what was supposed to be. I had a difficult time coping with vacationing and buying a home on my own rather than with my former spouse. I felt as though everywhere I turned, there was a tainted moment that should have been experienced with my former spouse but now was my sole experience. The sting has diminished in intensity and length, but it remains even though fleeting as it is.

My life changed drastically upon my decision to divorce. I gave up a lot but gained a lot in the end. Divorce was not an easy decision; working my way to that final decision was soul wrenching and I spiraled in a well of anger and depression. It was not an easy transition to make, the transformation of myself couldn't be rushed. But as my heart and mind began to heal though from the aftermath, I've come to love my life and everyday I am grateful for this new, even surreal life.

The upheaval of divorce varies from person to person and situation to situation. This may be
exacerbated any time divorce is contested or involves minor children or property. The entanglement of finances alone can cause extreme stress and friction.

Even when you do your best to maintain independent finances and property from your spouse, I learned that there is always entanglement. If your spouse has financial difficulties, it can be linked to you even when you didn't share finances or property. With this ongoing entanglement due to a previous legal connection to an individual, I realized I wished I had changed my phone number after the finalization of divorce. Years later and I still receive random phone calls connected to my former spouse.

Fortunately my divorce was civil; we even said we would always be there for one another if the other needed. Perhaps this was naivety and wishful thinking in the freshness of our separation. We still have one another's phone numbers and whenever I have questions about anything, he's always willing to provide answers. But would I be able to truly count on him if I needed something? I'm not so sure of that now with the passing of time. Perhaps but perhaps not. With all our civility and promises to one another, I was shocked when I suddenly discovered he had removed and blocked me from his social media platforms. I should have expected it. We weren't what anyone would consider friends anymore. But it was still a shocking realization for me. With one less person in my support system, I had to accept that I may need to lean on my existing support system more heavily due to my health but I also needed to be more independent myself. Our mutual friends now became his and mine; I no longer had his family and friends to call on.

Divorcing was a heart wrenching decision but ultimately it was the best decision for me. It would have been nice for things to have turned out differently, but they didn't. For myself, I must let go of any regrets and instead find my peace and enjoyment in everyday life wherever and whenever I can as I navigate the divorced world.


Other divorcees shared with me what they wish they had known to expect or what they had learned from divorce. See what others had to say:

• When dealing with property there is the risk of both individual's credit being ruined.
• Splitting up pets can be emotionally wrenching. - Wendy
• You may end up taking care of the children all by yourself - Joe
• You learn who your true friends are and there may not be as many as you thought there were - Tricia
•  Sometime it's worth asking "is it more important to be happy or to be right?" when considering remaining in a marriage - Amanda
• Men and women react differently. Where one may act devastated the other may act in the complete opposite. For example "I was devestated and upset, he behaved in a very matter of fact way, was switched off from me completely and had metaphorically closed the door on me and our relationship. It was as if I suddenly had no part in his life or in his relationshp with the children". - Lynley, Top Lady Talks
• You lose friends, other women may look at you as a treat to them even though you did nothing wrong in the relationship, and it took bravery to walk away - Bree
• "I lost a lot of things but my mantra was 'I have my freedom'!" - Aileen
• "It's the kids that matter the most, to make sure they are treated right and always told that they're loved." - Amanda

What are some lessons you wish you had known prior to divorce?

Doubting Yourself

Interpersonal relationships have the capability to hold great power over and for ourselves. We tend to find value within the opinions of others rather than within ourselves. We, understandably, grieve the loss of relationships with others but we far too often lose ourselves amongst our relationships with others as well. It's easy to start to doubt ourselves when it comes to others.

When I decided to end my marriage, I chose to end a lifetime. A lifetime of hopes and dreams. I greatly grieved this loss and I greatly celebrated when I found myself amidst the pain. I survived emotionally and physically. And yet, even with my personal oath to never lose myself again...I still allowed myself to doubt. Doubt of myself, my future, and my worthiness of a blissful future.

With my divorce, not only did I part ways with my marriage but I also parted ways with my lifetime caregiver. I worry about my future with my chronic illness, about who would provide care to me as I age and become more ill. Even though I whole heartedly believe I deserve a loving life partner, I remain amazed when my chronic illness is accepted by a partner. It's that doubt creeping in at the corners of my life, always there ready to pounce upon my fears. I almost can't fathom that another individual would willingly take on my chronic illness and the caregiving it requires. Chronic illness demands much - much from ourselves and much from others. It is unforgiving and high maintenance. Why would another take on such responsibility willingly? We don't even want the responsibility of ourselves. It's as though I've destined myself to a life alone and when someone challenges that belief, I'm left in dismay at such a selfless act.

I recently found myself complacent to the point that I believed no one would ever be willing to accept this caregiving responsibility. I doubted myself without even realizing I was doing so. This realization startled me, especially when soon after I quickly discovered acceptance and care in another.

How could I have allowed myself to place such doubt upon myself? We are all worthy of care and acceptance whether it be from platonic, familial, or romantic relationships. There is always someone who will accept us as is and love us for who we are and that includes our chronic illnesses.

This awakening with the gentle reminder by another of my own self worth was necessary. I realized I couldn't permit myself to continue down such a self destructive path of doubt. I can't risk losing myself again. Losing myself was detrimental to my psyche - I was left with a broken spirit that required extensive self love to flourish again. The work we place into ourselves is excruciatingly difficult and never ending. But the reward is far greater than the work. We must never lose sight of this or we risk losing ourselves once again.

Each of us deserves far more out of life than we realize. It's time we come to the realization and put to the side the negativism, criticism, and doubt that we allow to seep into our hearts. Life is deeply more enjoyable and rich when we stop harming ourselves and instead let our souls flourish in love - love of others and of ourselves.

Chronically Dating

I had left behind the dating world for nearly 7 years and I thought I was leaving it behind permanently. However, after my marital separation and divorce I found myself once again dating. I was suddenly thrust back into situations calling for me to decide when, what, and with whom to share the details of my chronic illness.

I previously shared how I've chosen to disclose my health and particularly my past with an ostomy. I am much more confident in my disclosures than I once was when I was younger. I'm now comfortable with someone not accepting me because of my health. I've learned that if another can't accept my health, then I don't need that person in my life. In fact, events of the last year have lent to my improved ability of letting go in general.

Dating after divorce with a chronic illness has been interesting to say the least. I've become increasingly open about the details of my health and illness with suitors and I've been met with overflowing acceptance. I've always been accepted by those I've shared my health with previously, however, this time around the dating world has been filled with even more acceptance. Perhaps dating in my 30s is part of the difference as we tend to view the world, ourselves, and others in a different light than we did in our younger years. This may also explain the differences in reactions I've experienced since re-entering singledom.

Although I've been accepted by each partner, there were some very different reactions. My suitors ranged from "I'm ready to take care of you in whatever fashion required" to "I can't lose you early on in your life". While one suitor was eagerly ready to spend whatever amount of time my life holds for me caring for me and my health needs another suitor was so concerned about losing me early in life due to the likelihood of cancer that he wasn't sure he would be able to handle a romantic life with such a very real expiration date.

I was shocked to actually encounter someone who was so concerned about being able to handle the real possibility of my own death at a relatively young age. I am accustomed to death, particularly the threat of my own that sometimes I forget what others may feel or experience in relation to my own mortality. I also wondered if this person would be the individual those of us with chronic illness all dread: the person who leaves because of their own inability to handle life with chronic illness.

I'm not sure how we guard ourselves against such individuals as I haven't truly been in such a situation. Guarding our hearts is a wise move to a certain degree. At some point, we either must trust our partner or we must let go. The degree to which we scrutinize our potential life partners varies from person to person and experience to experience. I can only urge others to be aware of their own comfort levels and move within those boundaries. We aren't required to move past those boundaries until we are ready, whatever those boundaries may be. Dating isn't always the easiest lifestyle and chronic illness can complicate dating life. However, I view loving yourself first and finding your own happiness as a fundamental key to tackling life, including the dating world. We don't need to seek love and acceptance from others when we find love and acceptance from within ourselves. Once we have conquered this feat, any love and additional acceptance from others becomes a shared joy rather than a request for validation and esteem that we have yet to afford ourselves.

I found part of accepting my life and in particular my divorce was to also accept the possibility of spending the remainder of my life alone. With marriage, I had a lifetime caregiver if needed. With divorce, I gave up that lifetime caregiver for a life of uncertainty on my own terms. I don't know what the future holds, but I've accepted the unknown. I do know that no matter what is in store for me, I create my own happiness and I can survive. The dating world is no different - we hold within ourselves the power for happiness and survival.

When You're Alone

I never truly allowed myself to believe I'd marry. I didn't think I'd find someone who would and could love me as much as I needed with my chronic health issues. I would require caregiving on a frequent basis and likely at some point, I'll require it on a much more regular basis. That is a lot to request from another person, especially from the very beginning of a relationship and a marriage. Could I find someone who would be willing to take on this responsibility from the get go? I did and I thought my life was complete...or so I thought.

From a set of unfortunate circumstances and events, I lost my trust and the life I knew had changed and I couldn't change it back. My complete life was being torn apart and divorce was on the horizon. I have a new life to fulfill on my own now.

Facing a life alone with chronic illness and the possibility for a cancer diagnosis again in my future was a terrifying choice but it was a choice I had to make. I felt completely alone in the world. Questions raced through my mind, filling my heart with fear and anxiety.

What would I do if my health worsens? What would I do if I developed cancer again? What would I do if I couldn't work anymore and support myself? What would I do? What would happen to all my dreams? Can I do it all alone? 

 Making that choice was the hardest part.

Once I made the choice, as difficult as it was, a relief began to set over me. A relief that would grow the more I shared my concerns with my friends and family. A concern that was fettered away by more and more people. My primary support system offered reassurance and oaths to never leave me alone in this world. I would be taken care of when the time came. In addition, I will be purchasing long term care insurance to ensure the financial burden of caregiving is provided for without need from others. I'm doing everything I can to ensure my own well being is cared for - by myself or by caregivers.

I'm learning more than I ever expected during this process. It never ceases to amaze me how much we can never truly prepare ourselves for all that we will encounter in life though we try.

I'm learning to value and fiercely protect my independence. To stand on my own two feet and create the life I want for myself is the greatest accomplishment I'll achieve and I am excited to create a masterpiece. To lose my independence is now my greatest fear. I will fight tooth and nail to maintain and support myself and will gladly do so. My eyes have been opened to the joy that is self sufficiency and the fulfillment that accompanies it. I'm finding that independence is much more than financial independence - it is the emotional and mental survival in the face of destructive forces.

I'm learning to cherish my support system more than ever. I'm gradually becoming accustomed to turning to the people in my support system when I need a shoulder to lean on. I'm discovering that independence isn't not leaning on anyone ever but discerning between periods when I can handle an emotionally tough time on my own and an overwhelming period when I need my support system's aid. I'm letting my people be there for me and am gratefully returning the favor.

No matter what is yet to come, I'm looking forward to tackling each issue with a new set of skills that I continue to hone. And I've realized, we're not alone after all - not as long as we let others in.