To Keep My Mouth Shut

I don't think I'll ever learn when to keep my mouth shut. There are so many times I wish I had for my sake. We need to listen to our bodies, especially when our body is screaming at us! Our body knows what it needs, we just need to listen.

I try not to drink anything close to or after bed because it upsets my stomach and causes bloating, gas, and pain all night long. Instead of getting up about three times during the night like usual, when I drink before our after bed I end up being up and down close to eight times during the night! Last night was one of those nights and I knew better but that cold liquid kept calling me. I'm probably dehydrated at night because of the SBS, which is why it's so tempting to take a drink at night.

 In the Evils of Food I discussed the challenges I have with food and activity. I also have a hard time listening when I need to not eat or stop eating. I had lunch today and shortly after my body rid me I shouldn't have eaten, I should have just waited. After almost six hours my stomach is finally reducing in level of pain and discomfort. There are many times that I ignore warning signs and keep eating because the food tastes so good or I think I'm still hungry and then I end up with a SBS flare up within about an hour later. For a long period I wasn't able to eat any ethnic foods, they were too rich for me and I experienced severe bloating and pain for the remainder of the day. For several years I was devout about avoiding ethnic foods in order to prevent such occurrences and over time my body began to recover from the surgery traumas and to adapt to more foods thereby allowing me to have more of a varied diet.

The way our bodies are today isn't how they will be forever. Our bodies change and adapt and even regress. The key is to adapt with our bodies and to listen to what our bodies need in order to enjoy life without unnecessary pain and discomfort.

Stress Effects

This last week has been very stressful work wise, 5 days felt like 2 weeks! And I could tell it was starting to wear on me physically. There's always those telltale signs warning you of impending danger if immediate action isn't taken. And I was starting become leery of those alarms.

The first couple nights of the week I was so exhausted that I slept through the whole night. This may be the norm for some, but it isn't for me. I'm usually up 2-3 times a night to use the restroom so if I'm sleeping through those bodily alarms, I know I'm needing the sleep. Well the last couple nights of the week I changed the routine and started having stress dreams, so I wasn't getting much sleep at all. When I wasn't in a deep sleep, I was dozing with stress dreams. This is also a dangerous pattern as there isn't any rest or recuperation obtainable in such a state.

My lip became tender and I just knew my body was about to explode with it's own rebellion against stress in the form of fever blisters. Throughout childhood and until the end of the collegiate career, I was a fever blister queen. Anytime my immune system became threatened, I had at least one giant, painful, eye sore of a fever blister. And most of the time I had 2-3 of them, even to the point that for a period I even developed impetigo - blisters on the skin that break open and become crusty. I've had fever blisters and impetigo so severe that the skin around my bottom lip is scarred. My GI doctor said that I'd likely outgrow these fever blisters and she was right, I have a fever blister maybe one or two times a year now. But even so, I remain leery of this ticking time bomb.

Because of the stress, I started to notice some depressive symptoms as well. I started to become withdrawn and saddened. I started to have meltdowns at work and home, moments where I couldn't hold back the tears. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry but I knew that I needed to force myself to talk to others or I'd easily get sucked into the deep spiral of depression. The emotional and physical sides of health are linked, they affect one another. So anytime one is in danger, so is the other. It's important to balance both for one's own well-being.

I also tend to stress eat, I want to eat anything or everything and this leads to overeating which upsets my digestive system. I felt miserable - bloating and SBS are not wonderful symptoms nor are they when combined.

These were the loudest alarms and I knew if I didn't get a handle on this stress, my body was going to rebel further. In the past, under extreme stress my intestine rebelled by constant SBS flare ups to the point that functioning was nearly impossible. I'm terrified of this happening again as I wouldn't be able to maintain employment in such a state.
I started to let others in, sometimes it's hard to accept help from others. I'm an independent worker and I usually figure there isn't much someone else can help me with - that it's not going to save time or effort. I leaned on friends and made a bit of time for a mental break - such as tagging along on a lunch run just for the change of scenery for 10 minutes. I used some free drink coupons and got a special treat to help me through the day. One evening I vegged out and just watched television with my husband and cooked a healthy meal. I quit beating myself up over things out of my control and started giving myself pep talks. So today, I feel better. I feel ready to be let back into the ring for another fight tomorrow. Here's to hoping this week is better too!

Away from Home

For the Memorial Holiday we went on a camping trip and while preparing for our holiday getaway there were many concerns to account for in an attempt to allow for the most enjoyable trip.
Anytime I want to participate in physical activities, particularly away from home, I must consider a number of factors such as food, restroom access, breaks and the amount of physical activity. Each of these contribute to my health, severity of bothersome symptoms, and level of activity.

In Evils of Food, I discussed all the concerns surrounding food and how food affects my daily life. For our camping trip, I tried to stay away from just the usual camp foods of hamburgers and hotdogs as these foods are very greasy and almost always cause a SBS flare up. One evening we had grilled chicken and vegetables with a rice mixture. But even for this healthy meal, I still had to consider which vegetables to have as some vegetables such as fried potatoes are typically upsetting. I relented for one of our  lunches to having Mexican food. I was able to combat the SBS flare up into a mild flare up by taking an extra Lomotil  in the late afternoon, being careful of the timing in order to prevent an adverse side effect of extreme constipation if taken too late in the evening thereby altering the usual satisfactory effectiveness of my daily Lomotil on the following day. If I took an extra Lomotil too late, it would still be in effect the next morning thereby altering my whole medication schedule for the next day resulting in too much binding. Later that evening we made Smores, I had to limit myself to 1 Smore as another one would have pushed my intestine over edge especially after a Mexican lunch.

Restroom access is an absolute concern for any outing away from home.  In Access Denied, the ongoing concens and fears of being denied restroom access and restroom restrictions were discussed. When we reserved our camp site, I made sure to reserve a site that was close to restrooms in order to reduce wait time when a restroom was necessary. Even with having a restroom within 100 - 200 feet, at night I had to drive to the restroom in order to arrive in time and to reduce the amount of physical activity that inevitably increases SBS.  At times I even considered sleeping upright in the car parked at the restrooms during the nights but after 3 trips a night, I was able to endure until morning.

I also have to take care to watch my activity as movement increases my SBS and is futher complicated by restroom accessibility. There were many nature trails and hiking that we could embark upon and that I would have loved to have completed, but once again I had to mind the amount of activity and the proximity to a restroom in order to prevent SBS and accompanying misery. Even to go for a swim takes careful consideration of the timing of eating, walking to the swim area and the length of time between preparing for swimming and actually going swimming. The planning and participation of activities also depends on the severity of bothersome symptoms, if only slightly bothersome I'm able to enjoy activities for a longer time period and a fuller range of activities. However, if symptoms are severe then I'm rather limited to sitting still with little food or fluid intake or will be faced with increased SBS symptoms.

None of these concerns stopped me from enjoying or participating in activities on our camping trip, I just simply had to be aware of the possible side effects so that I could plan accordingly which allowed me to make decisions and alter activities to reduce the risk of such side effects for a more enjoyable trip.

I can't think of any activities that I haven't been able to partcipate in in some way because of my health.
Knowing our bodies and how they react to varying situations is vital for our survival. By being able to predict based on previous experiences, I'm able to make decisions to allow for optimal activity participation and comfortability.

The Non-Sick

I'd group people into the following categories to describe their frame of reference for understanding chronic illness and empathy.

1. The Sick. These are people with chronic illness, not with bowel disease though. This group can relate to us with bowel disease because they too understand chronic illness. This group is usually very empathetic toward others with health issues and have a medical understanding.
2. The Bowel Sick. This is our group of people, all with some bowel disease. We relate to each other better than any others with health issues. Again, we tend to emphasize with each other a lot.
3. The Non-Sick with Empathy. This group doesn't really have any health issues but sincerely want to understand what we go through. They may or may not have any medical understanding, but are willing to learn. Someone with empathy doesn't require medical knowledge in order to empathize and often have tendencies to have a basic understanding simply due to their inclination to empathize and imagine what life is like for someone with illness. This understanding also tends to be present for not only physical but also emotional symptoms and effects.
4. The Non-Sick with No Empathy. This group doesn't really have any health issues or experience and don't really care to sincerely understand or learn about our conditions or that of others. They may inquire but it is usually due to etiquette or to satisfy curiosity.

 I don't really have any patience for the non-empathetic non-sick and dealing with this group is highly vexing for me. I don't mind and even typically enjoy educating others, answering questions and helping to better understand and support others in their lives. But when a person doesn't have any interest in such things and only feigns interest for their own hidden benefit, I don't really care to answers questions. I don't want to be a part of their games or help them in their games. I also don't really care for such people to pry into my life and know details of my health or my day to day health and symptoms. So it's no surprise that I have very little patience and a short fuse with such people.

I don't have the energy nor the patience to teach an adult how to empathize or how chronic illness affects one mentally, emotionally as well as physically, especially when it's not a sincere interest. I'd rather maintain my privacy and steer clear of my health as topic of discussion. I've encountered several people like this and I don't trust individuals with such behaviors. There are people who will use knowledge about someone's health and chronic illness to manipulate the person, others involved with the person or a situation with such personal information. We must especially be weary of this with employers. Recently I had an individual ask about my PTSD and they didn't understand how I could have PTSD now when my physical health has been stable. This person was also trying to use my health as a tool for religious debate and manipulation. So I'm confident that this person belongs to the last group. It doesn't take a psychologist to understand basic tenants of PTSD as long as they know a summary of what PTSD is.
 Simply, PTSD is the mental effect of a traumatic event causing an individual to have depression and negative stressful symptoms that are triggered by the trauma experience being relived. Such symptoms include night terrors, severe anxiety, fear, flash backs, emotional numbing and avoidance. Most people have a basic understanding of PTSD due to the prevalence among war veterans. Therefore, I find it hard to believe that an educated, aware adult doesn't have any reference to PTSD to draw from, especially if that person has a capacity for empathy.

My PTSD symptoms have subsided in frequency and severity over the years due to counseling and medication treatment. I don't believe that an individual ever truly stops having PTSD, just that symptoms can improve as well as better coping mechanisms may be learned and utilized. Although my health is fairly stable now and I don't have as many regular invasive tests and procedures, when I am placed back in that medical environment and those situations I begin to experience those same PTSD symptoms that I've had before although now I'm better equipped to cope with the situation so that the symptoms aren't as severe or debilitating as they were previously. But I'm never rid of it all and sometimes without provocation I begin to have symptoms again. I have to be cautious of what I watch, read, listen to and even what I think because I am easily transported back into time to any one of those traumatic medical experiences and am reminded of it all again. If I'm not cautious, I'll quickly be reliving the traumas. I'm so in tune with the pain and those memories are etched into my mind so deeply that seeing or hearing others' pain is physically felt on my body.
I also believe that one is never truly free of depression completely. A person may stop having depression but I've found that after having depression, one is much more susceptible to have depression again at a later time when under duress. I've found this also occurs with suicidal tendencies. Once a person has become suicidal, even after no longer being suicidal one is much more likely to experience suicidal ideations when under duress. It's as if once that those doors are opened, they're easy to open again even if not intentionally.

I acknowledge that these can be difficult things and notions for others to understand.    Chronic illness runs in my family but it's still hard for my parents to understand how deeply I've been affected by my health even though my parents are better able to relate than most. My husband has a hard time understanding my morbidity, how warped my mind has become due to such traumas. Yet they empathize and support, they listen and they show that I am understood and accepted. A close friend with similar health issues probably knows me best as he better understands the mental effects during his years of medical traumas than anyone else I know and is as warped as much if not more than myself. Most people have capacity for empathy and if they don't you are better off befriending someone who does. Without empathy, there isn't room for a true friendship - only a one sided benefit.

Compliance

Through the years my GI specialist has come to know me extremely well. She knows when I tell her I'm not doing something, I mean it. She knows when I'm not being completely compliant like I should and she even knows some of my tricks sometimes. She knows my limits and she knows not to push me further than what I can handle physically and emotionally. She knows how to advocate for me, she knows my mistrust and paranoia, and how to ensure my safety, comfort and well being. She knows my coping regiment and she knows how I best respond to care. She knows me.

I've told her I'm not allowing any rectal exams without sedation nor will I take any laxatives, enemas, or suppositories for a colonoscopy or endoscopy. Hence, why I haven't had either exam since 2007. She's brought up having another scope done since 2007, and I have agreed to undergo another scope if I can fast, and only fast, for the scope. But I also know that if I don't remind her to schedule the scope, I won't have to mess with it at all.  Yes, this could prove a grievous error on my part. I was advised I'd have stomach cancer by age 30 - in 2 more years. But that was 2 or more scopes ago and my last scope there weren't any polyps of any kind found that time. I don't know what I'd do if I had cancer that couldn't be treated by surgery. I don't know if I would consent to chemo or radiation. My grandfather had radiation and it shattered the rest of his intestines. Yes, that was back in the 1980's so a lot has improved since then. Yet, I can't forget the complications my grandfather suffered. I don't know if I could withstand the physical and emotional toil that accompanies chemo or radiation. I just don't know. But I do know, that I'm not worried about it.
I did have a CT scan with dye in 2011 that didn't show anything remarkable, so I know at least at that time I didn't have any large polyps or tumors. I did discover that my kidneys are connected in the back instead of the front, as they're supposed to be. I don't know why there is always something abnormal about my kidney design. My right kidney is small and in front of the pelvis instead of behind the pelvis, so it's not protected.

I've stopped medications, such as Sulindac and Celebrex, simply because I got tired of taking them. I am faithful in my Lomotil and my Iron though. After not taking Sulindac and Celebrex for so many years, when I finally felt guilty and asked if I should start taking them, my doctor must have known better because she told me not to worry about them!

I've been horrible about taking my B12 regularly since I got married. I usually miss 2 months and do great the 3rd month - before my regular GI appointments. Then I dose up quickly on my B12 to make it look good. This month she caught on though, she questioned the date of B12 and the date of lab. She just smiled her knowing smile at me and suggested I take my B12 regularly. Which I've been dong better at. This month I haven't missed my series at all. I also got new syringes - insulin syringes - and boy do they make a difference! They're much easier for me to sit through and much easier for my husband to use.
Yet, I feel more tired this month than I have in several months of not taking my B12 regularly. Every day I end up taking an involuntary nap - sometimes multiple! In discussion with other FAPers, I've noticed that some also have trouble with Vitamin D and even their Thyroid that makes them fatigued. If this continues, I plan to ask my doctor about these as well.

Then sometimes you're compliant and a doctor labels you as non-compliant. For instance, my GI doctor wants me to have a 2nd bone density scan. My first bone density scan was in high school  so well over 10 years ago. I agreed to go for the scan again, I've even called to remind my doctor's office about it. However, the bone density doctor has me labeled as non-compliant for supposedly cancelling an appointment and not rescheduled in 2010. Two things beg the question here.

1. Why would I have a random, sudden appointment scheduled at minimum 7 years later without my GI doctor or myself knowing about it?  I never had a follow up appointment with this doctor after the bone scan. My GI doctor reviewed the results with me beyond any that were given at the time of the scan. Why would I need a follow up appointment 7 years later and not more regularly in between?

2. Why would I recognize the doctor's name after 7 years when I had been to the doctor one time? I know the names of my past doctors and I even know the names of a couple doctors who regularly consulted with my GI. I do not remember the names of doctors I met one time. 

And yet, this doctor won't see me again in spite of the unraveling of her office's excuses. I actually take offense to this. My doctor is amazing and obviously finds reason to keep me as her patient when I should have transferred to an adult GI 10 years ago. When I am forced to transfer, my doctor already has information prepared for my future adult GI as to how to care for me and how to respect my limits due to my past trauma. Even the adult GI, who I plan to transfer to when so forced, asks my GI doctor about me regularly in preparation of taking over my care.

So sometimes, even when you're compliant, someone or something will attempt to make it appear otherwise. In such cases, it's a great thing to have a strong doctor advocating for you. And if you don't have such a doctor, I highly recommend finding someone else. I've been there with a negligent, uncaring doctor and I paid for it. When you find that strong doctor, who knows you, your body, strengths and limits, so well - hang on to them for dear life. There are a great many of doctors like that I've found.