Routine Readjustments

This year has been a monumental year for readjustments in my outlook and coping of mental and physical changes. I have battled changes in my health resulting in an unexpected hospitalization after an 8 year hiatus from the hospital, medical testing resulting in no answers or real solutions to new chronic symptoms, and a mental and emotional reality check resulting in a major transformation of my mind and spirit. It has been a whirlwind of a year!

I am reminded of these events and their power within my life as I prepare for another follow up appointment with my GI doctor. I anxiously await this opportunity to further discuss the possible cause of my symptoms that are reminiscent of delayed gastric emptying. After my hospitalization this year I began experiencing a gradual increase of symptoms and severity - a mix of severe abdominal pain and nausea with occasional vomiting. After trying medications and undergoing further testing I am left with no clear diagnosis for the cause of my symptoms. During my second ER trip I was discharged with the diagnosis of delayed gastric emptying yet after another upper EDG and a barium x-ray I was found to not have any difficulty of my stomach emptying. Bentyl and Carafate medications are aiding in the management of the abdominal pain and reducing the nausea. These issues have not been resolved but are more manageable although the nausea remains more of an issue than I would prefer. As I await my doctor appointment, I've been instructed to maintain a food diary in hopes of pinpointing a culprit of the symptoms. I've realized that when my portions are too large and when I eat sweets I tend to have increased symptoms. And yet meat and vegetables are just as capable of producing severe nausea as well. Such variations increase the difficulty of adjusting to and understanding my health changes.

When I was diagnosed with a degenerative joint in my neck last year, I had a difficult time accepting that I would have life long neck pain. A year later and my neck pain is now a normal everyday experience that I live and work around so that I may continue to participate in and enjoy activities. I had to readjust my thinking and my attitude. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself for having to cope with another chronic health issue. I had to accept and move on or I would forever be plagued by the weight of this chronic condition. And so I am faced with the same requirements for readjusting to chronic nausea and abdominal pain. Hopefully my doctors and I will discover the solution for my symptoms but until then I'm learning what I can do to help reduce and manage my symptoms.

With chronic illness we are prone to ongoing fluctuations in symptoms and the addition of new symptoms as we are faced with a roller coaster of changes throughout our years. Learning to ride out the twists and turns means we make readjustments thereby allowing these changes to become our new norm. It's common for the readjustment period to last a fair amount of time and after we finally become accustomed to our new norms we are once again faced with new changes requiring all of our attention and focus.

With the aid of medical providers and our own self advocacy we are able to work towards identifying and establishing strategies to manage changes to the best of our abilities. The process of readjustment tends to include a trial and error basis as we learn what works best for us and what doesn't. With each step in the management process we further enable ourselves to adjust and learn new ways of coping, gradually ceasing the mourning of how life was prior to a change and instead embracing how we can continue to live. It is through this process that one day we come to no longer know any different than our new norms. It is on this day, we are finally living and living joyfully once again.

Feeling Your Heart

Life is a confusing, beautiful mess full of opportunities for both joy and heartache. We can take many paths in our navigation through what life offers us yet we often choose the most complicated route. We consume ourselves with fear and worry about the dreaded what if's that are never entirely answered properly as our imaginations our set free in a whirlwind of confusion. Life is not necessarily simple in our experiences but I believe we can simplify our paths by merely feeling our hearts.

Tuning into our hearts and what we are feeling can be called many things: inner voice, intuition, gut instincts, faith, etc. Whatever your preference for terminology, paying attention to the words of our hearts and souls seems to make a difference. We allow ourselves to obtain peace and comfort as we make life decisions and let go of anxieties when we listen to ourselves.

Listening to what our hearts say can only occur when we are honest with ourselves - free of preconceived ideas and intentions. We must open our minds and ourselves to all realities, not just what we want. It is easy to confuse what we want with what we need, whether it's physical, emotional, or financial. We all have ulterior motives to obtain what we want even when dealing with ourselves.

As we begin letting go of that which holds us captive through fear and anxiety, we learn to make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. Part of this information is knowing how we feel about a situation and about the options available.

We listen by identifying what we are feeling and allowing ourselves to feel those feelings rather than rushing through one feeling to the next. This helps in all realms of life whether it is releasing fear and anxiety, making a decision, resetting ourselves spiritually, self-discovery, and coping with life. It is particularly useful in emotional healing from grief or trauma as we cope and adjust to a life change. Not allowing the process to flow naturally and completely can be harmful as we can delude ourselves in believing that which is false within us. Rebound relationships, incomplete grieving, and yoyoing of depression and anger are common examples of rushing this natural process.

Let us not hide from our feelings, viewing them as a weakness or an inconvenience. Rather let us honor our feelings for what they are - a gift that lets us experience life in the fullest. Joy and heartache are neither to shrink back from - both lead us to the depths of unimaginable feelings and experiences that ultimately try to teach us gratitude and strength.

Letting Go

On the drive home, surrounded by darkness and music, I felt a peace come over me and in that moment I recognized the novelty of this peace. It was a peace I haven't felt before in my lively, waking moments. I felt lighter, no longer bogged down by moments of the past - whether recent or long ago. I finally understood the feeling of having no regrets. I had somehow, magically let go.

This year has become to be a time of teaching for me as I continue along the path of transformation as a fire storm scorches my soul to reveal new layers. With a new sense of strength and fierceness, I am finding challenges for myself to push past my limits. I am rediscovering and redefining myself. This must be a new layer, a new level reached - I thought to myself as suddenly the stars shined brighter and the night air felt crisper than they had mere moments before. I no longer cared about all the mistakes I had previously made. Mistakes, big and small, that I lamented over for years at a time. As a soft hearted, highly sensitive person I tend to spend an exorbitant amount of energy and time reviewing details of my life and interactions. Replaying moments as they occurred and the innumerable various scenarios that could have occurred with different actions or decisions. No longer was my mind shackled with such worries. All that mattered now was this moment on - my future.

Too often we worry about what we should have done or what we wish would have happened if only we had the foresight to know the outcomes of the situation. My parents taught me to make the best decision I possibly can with the information I have. We simply need to do our best. It may not turn out to be the right decision but it is giving the moment our best that is important. I believe in this advice even when I haven't followed it closely as at times I knowingly made mistakes and other times I failed to let go of my wrong decisions. 

There is much more to life than our regrets. I once held the belief that to live without regrets was to not care about our actions and the consequences. I have learned that living without regrets is relinquishing the control regrets may have upon us. We can become full of regrets that cripple us - filling us with anxiety, fear, and anger. Fear and anxiety of future decisions and anger toward our past decisions. These reactions are not healthy but are stifling of growth and acceptance. We must learn from our mistakes and our failures so that we may make better decisions in the future. This does not mean we are required to carry the burden of those mistakes once we have learned from them. Rather let us live and learn then let go. We are unable to change the past no matter how hard we wish or how long we lament. Let us direct our energy to the future and the goodness that is waiting for us.

I do not know how I suddenly came to this freeing moment. It was not a conscious decision. It merely swept over my mind and body in an unforeseen wave. Is this not the way most epiphanies come to us though? When we let our minds freely wander, our subconscious to come to the surface without inhibition. Allowing access to the greatest depths of our minds and souls - to reconnect within ourselves. Thinking without intent, without reservation, without prejudice. These are the moments that grant me insight and revelations.

I like to take a moment, preferably in the sanctity of the outdoors. Feeling the grass under my feet, the dirt between my toes. Closing my eyes and raising my face to the sky, feeling the sun shining down upon me. Deeply breathing in the air, as it fills my lungs before slowly exhaling. Clearing my mind and focusing on the physical sensations of the world around me and my body. My eyes will begin to feel heavy while closed, my mind drifts in and out of consciousness. I become relaxed, connected to my spirit. The sounds around me grow faint in the background as I listen for the still voice deep within me. I remain in this trance like state until my spirit releases me and sends me back into the awareness of the physical world around me. I awaken refreshed, free of stress and worries and sometimes with a new revelation. I encourage you to follow this or your own style of meditation and discover what is lying under the surface.

Protecting End of Life Wishes

One of the most important things we can do for ourselves is to discover how we want to live. However, this understanding not only includes how we walk this earth but also how we leave this earth. There is great honor in being privileged to walk the journey of life alongside another person and in respecting their journey.

Recently my beloved great uncle passed away. As my parents, myself and others walked alongside him, he shared his life and afterlife wishes with us. He did everything within his earthly power to ensure his wishes were known and established prior to his passing. In spite of his insistence and clarity, there remains individuals determined to undermine the wishes and efforts of my great uncle. His wishes and efforts that allowed him peace of mind for leaving this earth.

The struggle to protect his wishes emphasized the deep need for end of life planning. Such planning is not age dependent; it is life dependent. I began preparing my own end of life planning during my teenager years and regularly update my documents to reflect any changes and maintain currency throughout the years. Our life journeys may end abruptly and our loved ones who walk alongside us may realize and respect our wish but without legal documents stating and supporting our wishes, there is risk for obstacles in spite our life companions best efforts to honor us.

When discussing advanced directive and durable power of attorney forms with clients, I often am told "my family knows what my wishes are". Unfortunately, verbalizing wishes is not always enough to ensure our wishes our honored. Our doctors do not and are not always allowed to honor our previously verbalized wishes without legal documents stating our wishes.

End of life planning has many caveats for exploration and completion. It is more than simply verbalizing our healthcare wishes in broad generalities. It includes establishing someone to make decisions on our behalf if we're unable to do so ourselves - financially, medically, and physically. It includes directing the distribution of assets, establishing care for dependents, determining medical wishes and service preferences upon our death.

The laws and processes surrounding end of life planning and ability to establish ongoing legal matters, such as guardianship for a dependent, vary from state to state. Thus it is essential to thoroughly obtain and understand what is allowed and required within your area of residence.

Leaving our life companions without legal protection to honor our wishes leaves the door open to not only our wishes being dishonored but also unnecessary stress, legal filings, difficult decisions, potential conflict, and costs that all can be abated by completing end of life care.

When we walk alongside another person we are privy to sharing deeper aspects of ourselves while gaining insight and wisdom not learned elsewhere. This is a mutually shared benefit as the walkee and life companion learn and share their needs, wants, fears, and wishes with one another. It is when we let our egos fall to the wayside and instead listen to what another person needs from life that we are allowed to share one of the greatest gifts we have - respect and honor.

For information on medical end of life planning - Advanced Directive, Durable Power of Attorney, and Do Not Resuscitate Orders - visit here here. For information on estate planning, visit here

Let The Fire Burn

The last seven months have been an incredibly difficult, transformative, and freeing period that is truthfully just starting. For when such a process begins, it can't be confined to a mere few moments in time - not if you submit yourself to the process. For when you submit, the transformation truly begins and it can become a lifelong, marvelous journey.

I fought a new bout of depression this year; that old friend of mine that likes to seep into the depths of my mind and heart and squeeze my very life in its cold, dark claws as it whispers to me, gently bidding me to join its ranks of peace and tranquility. A peace only found in the abyss of death, where there is absolute nothingness. A nothingness that consumes you to the point that there is no pain, worry, or grief. It's a peace that I once was honored to experience briefly and so it calls to me, reminding me of a time long, long ago.

But as I struggled against its calls, strong though they may be, I resurfaced. And not only did I resurface but I found a new appreciation for my life, for my time on this earth. I found a strength within me I never knew was there. A strength that is greater than that which I harness for and through my health battles. A strength that is beyond the physical. All my battles have primarily been against the physical realm. Fighting for my physical life, my physical body against the physical effects of my rare disease and the tolls it takes on me.

I have been pushed past my breaking point yet once again, only this time it wasn't because of my health. I was thrown into a fire and though the flames continue to surround me, I am beginning to see the traces of smoke filtering in amongst the flames. In being pushed to my limit by multiple individuals and situations this year, I'm being transformed and am continually finding new limits, horizons, and restrictions to break. I am by no means done with this personal growth, this new found freedom. The flames continue to do their busy work of burning my outer layers to allow my soul within to shine and to shine brightly. And thanks to these flames, I am happier with myself and more free than I have been in years.

These flames schooled me in dealing with what life and others may throw at you and how to stay afloat. I'm learning to let go and not worry. To take care of myself rather than waste my time and energy on worrying about how others are going to affect me. That is not the same as no longer caring about others. Rather, it's a freedom from the restraints we often allow others to place upon ourselves.  No longer allowing others to control us and our actions and moods.

Instead of trying to figure out what life will be like and what the right direction to take is because of someone else, try setting your own life goals and going after them with tenacity, intensity, and fierceness. No longer letting another control your life's direction will break you of the restraints and life will realign. You will become focused. With that focus, you will discover what is most important to you and establish your own standards for living. Finding yourself, what you deem important, and the satisfaction of independence in your pursuit will lead you to intense happiness and freedom. Levels of which you wouldn't know when you allowed yourself to cower to the standards of others rather than your own.

Realize you can and you will survive on your own without others. I never thought of myself as an independent woman until this revelation was nearly forced upon me. I became overfilled with strength and pride with such a powerful revelation. A lot of us see ourselves as independent solely on our ability to financially provide for ourselves without assistance from another. Although this is a caveat of independence, it doesn't end there. There is so much more to being independent than simply being financially independent. Do you feel able to survive the loss of those dearest to you? I've survived the death of countless individuals I greatly loved and admired but what about the physical loss, the emptiness that can be summoned when we lose someone physically and emotionally though they remain living? My world felt as though it was crashing in around me with such non-death losses. I felt as though I had lost a part of me and perhaps I had in the process of giving a part of me to those I have loved. When forced to the brink though, you will learn you can survive any loss regardless of the severity and difficulty. This doesn't mean you become cold-hearted. Far from it, you simply are able to harness your inner strength rather than solely relying on the strength of others.

No longer care what others think of you. When you lose respect for someone, that person's opinion no longer means anything anyway. Don't waste yourself on those who have already lost your respect. Cherish those who are true to you - those who are supportive, loving, caring, and there with you through the brightest and darkest times of your life - not those who try to create dark times, tear you down, harm you with their malicious intent and manipulations, leave you without explanation. Don't let yourself succumb to the power of others, especially when it is a harmful power. You don't have time for that nor should you.

Don't take the dangerous, personal issues of others on as your own. People will attempt and succeed at betraying, manipulating, deceiving, and harming you. The reasons for others to inflict such pain on another is deep seated within them. Stop trying to decipher the reasons behind their actions. Their reasons don't need to make sense. Their reasons are just that, theirs. Not yours. Do not take on more pain simply because another is engaging in harmful behavior towards you.

Do what you've longed to do but was too scared to commit to previously. There is immense freedom in letting your inhibitions go and doing what you've always wanted to do. Perhaps you refrained yourself because you worried about judgment from others, didn't consider it proper, or didn't think you had it in you to attempt much less complete. Forget that and jump in. I've learned that there are personal challenges our spirit is drawn to for whatever reason. Your spirit gravitates you toward such challenges and won't let you forget about it - even if you bury it for years under fear and inhibitions. If you feel that unceasing tug, your spirit is speaking to you. Sometimes it speaks to you softly, the action may be small but it appeals to you at a deep level. Other times it screams at you out of no where, forcing your attention even if you remain refrained. Let your shield down, accept a self challenge, and let yourself be free.

Whatever the source is for your fire, it will be a long process of adjustment and coping as your outer layers become scorched and the pain sears your soul. Turmoil presents itself with a variety of emotions and stages, often sending you bouncing back and forth amongst them all repeatedly before you are finally able to find your footing enough to begin to walk a more level path through the flames. As the outer layers begin to crack, forcing you to think your mind will crack as well you will want to speed along the process and jump to the end simply to lessen your pain. It's okay that this is a lengthy process for it is through this lengthy process that you are provided the opportunities to discover more about yourself, healing and freeing yourself from the captivity of the world. The pain will be unbearable at times but the rewards of true independence and freedom are vast. Let yourself fully feel all your emotions. Surrender to them as you claim the strength that lies deep within your being. Strength you had yet to harness before and burst from the flames as the warrior you were destined to become.